To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/04/27 07:39
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re: It's all such a wonder.......
From: Gcwein1111
On 1999/04/27 07:39, Gcwein1111 posted thus to the K-list:
Hello TG: Thank you for your interest and questions. Regarding my statement
that brow seemed to be inviting me to focus there--- a good question because
this is a difficult thing for me to describe. In my first year of k, prior to
problems, when I'd go to bed the brow would feel like a large suction cup,
sucking air in as I would inhale (even tho I would try not to focus on it).
It would also feel like a hole that I was being sucked into, although I guess
this never really happened. Then I went to a teacher who gave me some
practices which caused constant achiness, pain in my head (and inability to
meditate without making it worse). After that the brow area didn't have the
same sensation at night any more. It felt more blocked and aching rather than
pulsating and sucking air in,etc. What I felt the other night was closer to
the way it used to feel-- it naturally drew my focus . It's hard to
articulate--hope that makes sense.
When I first saw
Swami Chetanananda brow had felt blocked and aching for 1-1/2 yrs. Sitting
with him in meditation felt great because his powerful energy seemed to be
able to cut through the blockage---whereas I couldn't meditate before, I
could do so in his presence. Also I had an immediate connection with him that
was mutual. We had a wonderful relationship. I'd been on the path for some
time when I met him and had encountered countless teachers both here and in
India-- I felt that I'd finally found my teacher. I did 4 retreats with him
between Aug '94 and Aug'95 and also corresponded with him then. But I don't
know how much my condition aactually improved during this time -- I could
meditate with him but not necessarily without him. After one retreat my
headaches got worse---when I told him about it he spent alot of time with me
individually and got it worked out. My last retreat was intense -- I
received shaktipat for the second time and actually felt the hard work had
resulted in real progress. We embraced afterward and he told me how
beautifully I was doing. Then shortly afterward the severe problems started
with my health. I wrote to him explaining my condition, saying I probably
wouldn't be able to make the next retreat but could come later, and I asked
for his feedback. He didn't respond-- I called and his secretary said he
didn't want to talk to me and wanted me to work it out on my own. I was
stunned and didn't know what to think. A long time devotee told me she
thought he wanted me to come to the retreat--that he was challenging me. I
ultimately decided to fly to Portland for the retreat although I was in
terrible health -emaciated, had lost 30 lbs, still not eating and really
weak. I went because I felt like I was improving some and was dying to see
him. So I went, sat down with the group for one session and felt sicker than
hell--it felt obvious to me that I didn't belong in his energy field and had
made a huge mistake by going there. So I left -- I left a message for Swami,
trying to see him right before I left but time was short and he didn't get
back to me. I was afraaid to wait around Portland any longer because I was
getting weaker with each day . That was3-1/2 yrs ago--I haven't spoken to
him since. I thought I'd recover and return to him, but the recovery has
never come--and I've probably changed my mind about going back anyway. I
still love and respect Swami, although I've continued to feel conflicted
about what happened. I can't say how painful this was. I still feel somewhat
confused about it, but I like to think that he was acting in my best
interest-- that he felt that because of the radical reaction I had that he
could no longer help me and that I just neede d to get through it on my own.
Hope this explains what I briefly referred to in my post, although what this
relationship (and its loss) meant to me can never be explained. One of the
worst things for me was the self doubt it caused-- that I'd fallen short in
his eyes and had failed--but I think I've finally come to terms with that.
love Jerry
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.