To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/03/13 16:48
Subject: [K-list] Experiences with Kundalini, from the beginning insight
From: Azuure
On 1999/03/13 16:48, Azuure posted thus to the K-list:
Hello again everyone,
this post is going to be very long, as its a personal account of awakening
(or whatever is happening to me). Of course, due to length, its not required
reading.
To quote ::{{****ATnospamtwsuvm.uc.twsu.edu (Shy Person)}}:: The list could
probably >::address your question best if you provide some background on how
your kundalini >::experiences began--including whether you have been
practicing some form of >::meditation, yoga, etc., and some more about your
current k symptoms.
>::
>::Jill
Im 24. It's embarassing, but my symptoms came after fairly reckless
substance use. After being introduced to nitrous oxide by friends in college,
I didn't quite "laugh" like they did while on it, I was seeing things that
were unexplainable and profound. I was fascinated by the "show" going on in
the mind while under this anesthesia. Later, about 5 months ago, on my own I
learned how to get into deep, subtle trances while "under" and learned a
small amount of control over what was going on in the altered state.
I learned in this way how to clear the mind to become more receptive, and
my "trips" while under became much more intense. The mind-play became the
most intense during one trip that I was deeply under, when I opened my eyes to
the ordinary reality and saw a bright greenish yellow laser penetrating right
below my navel area. I couldn't block this light with my hand (it went right
through), yet it didn't hurt or feel uncomfortable. It faded away as my mind
lost the drug effects and my concentration left.
Concurrently with these almost daily experiences over about a month, I
danced at raves (high energy dance parties) every weekend. I kept wanting to
use this swirling energy to move my hands and body. The movements were really
smooth and it didn't feel like I was consciously doing very much, the body
just flowed. I let my body do the movement it most wanted to do, and I had a
vision of electric coiling light shooting through my spine and collecting in
the top of my head. I tried to imitate this movement of energy into a dance
step.
I became more and more restless and agitated over the next few weeks,
stretching and shaking out helped some, but I was out of exercises to do and
just felt nervous inside and lethargic outside all the time.
I was in New Orleans during Mardi Gras about a month ago, and I did MDMA
(ecstacy) with marijuana. My mind's eye visions returned, yet I was up and
about walking around (not laying down under anesthesia). I could view energy
fields and manipulate them, moving energy to different areas of my body to
keep me the most "happy". It helped to talk to my body and caress it, and my
body responded with much more vigor and energy than Ive ever had. I learned
a pace of walking ('strolling' about slowly) that kept me in this state.
While walking in this state, within about 10 feet, I could literally feel
people's energies radiating from them.
Back home after the trip, I was so excited about the new possibilities of the
human mind that I recklessly leaped headfirst into deeper mind states while
under nitrous oxide. I started to find some of the most beautiful, but also
scary mental states.
During one session, I "went under" and all of a sudden saw that this trip
was going to be something special. The confusion of dull light play I
usually saw during the begining was now in brilliance and comfortable order.
My body welled up with blissful emotion. I saw a single butterfly flying
inbetween the 2 coiling lights, and I felt the most warm peace in my entire
life. This was a turning point for me to finally believe in a higher power.
I was too scared to share much of this with anyone, unless I attributed the
"hallucinations" to drugs.
My body was much more fierce about wanting control. Like hunger, which you
can ignore consciously, it kept knocking louder and louder until I let it have
its turn in the spotlight. I started to give in to its demands. One night,
I let go. . . my body went into seizure-like movements that looked to me
like someone in shock. The more I gave in, the more intense things got. I
began spouting nonsense words, and was clawing around fiercely like an animal.
I was even growling.
I let it happen more frequently, at least once a day. During more peaceful
moments when I let my body take over, I began to move my hands in strange
alien movements and gestures. My fingers kept making the "ok" sign and I
wanted to sit cross-legged. If I tried to do the limited mind clearing
techniques I knew during this, then I could see another single eye looking
back at me.
Things came to a break when a fellow student at college kept telling me that
I was "leaking" energy all over the place. I was barely holding onto coherent
consciousness. She tried to do some strange new-age centering techniques on
me.
I went from sickly and incoherent, to balanced and blissful once again after
she did her rituals.
That night I was able to feel the most inspired without mind-altering drugs
that I've ever felt. Among many little experiences, the strangest was
watching my hands without conscious control, play beautiful music at the
piano without missing notes.
Over time the bliss has faded, and I have sinced learned some basics about
Tantra, Reiki, Kundalini, spiritual emergence, and body/mind energy.
I've tried some techniques on my own to reclaim these experiences without
drugs or outside help without any success. I usually feel neurotic and
agitated a lot, and frustrated that I don't know how to let this energy flow
and how to correctly do it. My body doesn't give me much instruction, other
than wanting to flail and shake, and placing my hands on different chakra
areas that induce even more shaking. I can't hear any verbal guidance or
instruction, and I'm wanting to feel this process as fully as I can because I
have read about the dangers of holding it down.
I suppose I'm frustrated because I'd like some kind of road map to make sure
I'm doing everything possible to get the most benefit out of what I read is
going to be a transcendental experience if I do everything correctly. Is what
I have to learn is even more surrender to the process? Or are there deep
meditation or yoga exercises that will facilitate things along smoother?
I just don't know.. everyone's help has been so enlightening and
continues to be.
It feels like divine things are happening, but I sure feel much --less-- than
divine on an everyday, everymoment level.
frustration, but love from my heart..
Azuure
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