To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/03/10 21:10
Subject: Re: Fwd: RE: Fwd: Re: [K-list] Asking to be Abused?
From: nancy
On 1999/03/10 21:10, nancy posted thus to the K-list:
> Connie wrote:
> I have decided that if something makes someone angry here, they should be
> allowed to spontaneously respond, as they see fit at the moment.
> I think
> anything should be allowable barring the extreme. I don't think anyone
> should be put down for their anger. I think that we should be lovingly
> assisting the person, who's anger was triggered, to learn...why and from
> where, etc.
I don't know if you are agreeing with me or criticizing me, but a couple of
thoughts on anger. I don't think that people who are angry NEED to be
lovingly assisted. I think they can be anyway they want to be. If I'm angry,
the last thing I want is for someone to help pacify me by "allowing me to
process." That makes me even more PO'd.
I used to think that we had positive emotions and negative emotions. Positive
emotions (like love, compassion, joy) were productive and helped us achieve
worthy goals in our lives. Negative emotions (like anger, hatred) caused us
to be stuck. Don't think that way anymore. Emotions just are. Anger just is.
It has served me well in the past couple of years in establishing boundaries.
During Christmas holiday, my daughter spent time with her dad. He lives in
another state but I was staying in his city because I had traveled to spend
time with my mom. The morning I was to leave, I called him after a jog and
told him I'd pick my daughter up in an hour or so. He said she wouldn't be
there. He was doing a power play with me because I hadn't told him in advance
exactly what time I would be there in the morning.
I was incensed. I hopped in my car, drenched in sweat and dressed in tights.
I drove to his parents house where he, my daughter, and his relatives were
spending a quiet day.
I rang the doorbell, and all surreal. Everyone in the house was moving so
slowly. It was like I was around people who were moving at half the speed I
was. It's hard to explain. My mind was so distracted by the spectacle I was
observing, that my anger disappeared. My daughter said she wanted to play a
while longer with her cousins so I let the dispute go.
My ex was shocked to see me. I don't think he could believe that I would
actually storm over there (looking like crap) and barge into the house with
all his support hovering around.
Anger in this case helped me let him know that I wasn't a weak person who
could be pushed around by him anymore. No need to lovingly help me work
through anything! It was the perfect response for the situation.
I'm not angry much anymore. I seem too focused on what I am doing for me that
I don't spend much time worrying about what someone else is doing to me. And
maybe that's the whole point. When we stop worrying about all that stuff
outside of us, we no longer need to hold onto anger, hatred or being a
victim.
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