To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/03/08 13:13
Subject: [K-list] Abusive Relationships
From: Charles Vermont
On 1999/03/08 13:13, Charles Vermont posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Miri, Kath, Connie, et al,
Perhaps a story will help you to at least appreciate, if not accept, my point of view. I used to work in an office where the boss (let's call him Tom) was often angry and aggressive towards me. In fact the office manager once took me out for lunch and said he couldn't work out whether I was a saint or a fool to put up with this behaviour.
One day Tom called me into his office. "You know what your problem is?" he said. "You're selfish. If you had a wife you wouldn't be so selfish. If you don't do your job properly then I'll have to sack people in this office and you'll be responsible for their children and partners having no food on the table. You ought to show you're grateful for your job by doing exactly what I tell you to do. Get your head down, work hard, don't expect a pay rise for 3 years."
I sat there and took it as usual. But something sparked in my head. A few days later I worked out what it was. Tom had almost repeated word for word some of the things my father used to say to me. So, I'm afraid, I had faithfully recreated the my relationship with my father with my boss. I found it unpleasant and it made me mad, but the point was that I was comfortable with that sort of relationship - I knew how it worked. Once I'd realised this it was only a matter of months before I left the company for another job.
I believe it is never the sole fault of either the abuser or the abused. We are all responsible in my view for the relationships we create.... but I prepared to be educated on this one.
Charles Vermont
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