To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/03/04 20:29
Subject: Re: [K-list] Paralysis
From: molecularbreeze
On 1999/03/04 20:29, molecularbreeze posted thus to the K-list:
-----Original Message-----
From: DruoutATnospamaol.com <DruoutATnospamaol.com>
To: carreaATnospamvideotron.ca <carreaATnospamvideotron.ca>
Cc: kundaliniATnospamlist-server.net <kundaliniATnospamlist-server.net>
Date: Thursday, March 04, 1999 2:54 PM
Subject: Re: [K-list] Paralysis
In a message dated 3/2/99 3:02:22 PM Pacific Standard Time,
carreaATnospamvideotron.ca writes:
<< Paralysis, generated from fear, self preservation, (much snipping here)
Dear Awakening-List Community,
As I face the truth that I cannot survive, spiritually, or emotionally in
an abusive relationship, breaking free from it feels like the hardest thing
I have ever had to do. I drag myself through the days, a shell of a
person, with the excruciatingly painful sensation, behind my breastbone.
Feels like my vital innards are being cruelly gripped or sucked at by
something, or maybe, trying to take me back, unless I let go. I am trying.
This grieving process is so brutal. He and I were/are powerfully
spiritually connected. I have never been that close to another human being
and I don't think I ever will be again. I don't think it is possible. I
am very sad about that. God it hurts. I just got a new phone number
(unlisted). So sad. My heart is so broken. How can I break the power of
this spell that infiltrates me like breath. I miss him. The sound and
softness of his breath haunts me. I used to love to listen to him breathe.
My mind would soar to see and hear the wind rushing through the treetops,
swaying, in a deep, dark forest. As I have been struck gazing at and
feeling the power of a mountain view, and wished that I could will my spirit
to leave my body and soar to the mountain, where its essence and mine could
mingle and dance together forever... with him I HAD that oneness.
Simultaneous with my relationship with him I experienced a tremendous
increase in the incidence of spiritual knowings, vissions, and impressions.
My journals, over the last three years, are chock full of them. When the
abuse finally became physical and I ended the relationship, the connection
is so deep and so powerful I calmly experienced a chilling train of
thought, more than once, where I saw myself losing my life at his hand, and
experiencing the visualization as correct, even sacred.
My children, I've always said, were loaned to me to shine on me for a while.
Their light is why I wouldn't live under his roof all along.. Their light
is how I will get through the letting go. I need to stay healthy for them.
I'm working on the staying healthy for me. I still want to scream and
fight this. I still don't want to do this! I want to take up some habits
(beer, coffee, cigarettes)...Ah, but, again, my children are beacons.
Oye Vey,
Connie
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