To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/02/19 12:06
Subject: Fw: [K-list] Voices being practical
From: Constance Ashworth

-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Hughes <aird.houseATnospamzetnet.co.uk>
To<kundaliniATnospamList-Server.net>
Date: Friday, February 19, 1999 7:04 AM
Subject: [K-list] Voices being practical

Now truly I live a day at a time and am on the whole stress
>free. Getting control of my internal dialogue has also helped with
>meditation though thoughts still float in at least I can let them go.
>I dont write often but I find the people here very supportive and
>loving on the whole.
>With love
>Chris
>Sai Ram

I am happy, happy for your liberation. I am experiencing liberation myself
lately regarding voices. I had a voice telling me I had no full life to
live if I Iost my relationship with my mate (not domestic) who has bigtime
control issues (and he is 6'3", 223lbs.). A giant part of me remains so
powerfully connected to the extreme pleasure I received from having this
macho, gorgeously handsome guy with his resonating voice calling me and
saying "Hey, baby." His muscular physique his manner of engaging in the
most solicitious, romantic, passionate ways. He gives me foot and back
massages to music and candlelight, has this tremendous capability to focus
on me and thrills me 'cause he demonstrates spontaneous affection whenever
we are together... that is, whenever we are together during the HONEYMOON
phase of our three week cycle of...tension, blow-up and honeymoon. He
verbally abuses me or is very scarey and intimidating during the blow-up
phase, leaving me emotionally bruised and wounded.

 I told him MOnday I was breaking up with him. He didn't miss the
opportunity to make that a scene and for the first time it ended up physical
with him throwing me around (as in through the kitchen and out the door).

At first I still wanted us to get counseling help. Because I know how
devastating it will be to live without the soaring physical and emotional
connection we had. He made me feel so loved. He put me on a pedestal.

 See, I was in a previous marital relationship for eight years that was
deeply troubled. There was no intimacy. One year out of that I met my
present (ex) mate, and I have been making up for the lost time. I even
married this romantic guy, but I would not live with him (he rented a house
next door to me!) because of my lack of trust, due to his capability to
become so frighteningly viscious.

So where is the liberation? I am trying to stay inside myself and it is
very uncomfortable (painful) and a bit gleeful at the same time. I mean I
am trying to focus on all the life I have to live. I have been so focused
on the relationship for three years and our best times were always spent
just with each other. So I am trying not to identify with him. I am trying
to identify with me and as someone said on a posting , I want to be "very,
very funky," and as Irene Cara says in that song, What a feeling, I want to
"live (my) passions," and "make it happen" and "dance all through my life."

I thought I was stuck with that relationship as my life, as my food and
survival, he is the most gorgeous, earthy man I have ever known, but I was
lonely, and I know my self-esteem was going down. Without him, I must
remember how much life I have to live. I am reborn at 42. The world is
new. There are many things that I love about the world. I'm trying, I can
do this. I am starting with "walleyball" at the YMCA. They play volley
ball in the raquet ball courts and the walls are in bounds. Also, I may try
out racquet ball there, too. I am going to a community play with some other
women tonight.

Well, maybe, he'll get counseling and we'll be allright. There is
ambivalence! But I want to go back and work it out, only when I am thinking
about HIM. As long as I focus on myself and the living I have to do. I am
more balanced, albeit, with a broken heart.
Namaste, namaste, namaste,
Connie

DISCLAIMER!

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