To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/01/29 22:54
Subject: [K-list] Caroline delurks
From: caroline wilson
On 1999/01/29 22:54, caroline wilson posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Kundalinites and Mystress Angelique,
I have been wanting to write and send this for some time, now is the
time, i hope you find it interesting, i have been a lurker and have so
much enjoyed reading everyones posts it has kept me going.love ya all
It has been 5 months since i broke up (violently) with my ex-boyfriend
with several months of counselling and much reading to understand
domestic violence and rebuild my self esteem and confidence, finding my
self again. I also had a miscarriage at 3 months and getting over the
pain of that has been big. We broke up three weeks after my miscarriage.
I recalled 2 months after we broke up that one night during a very
heated fight between me and my ex he decided he was going to kill the
baby inside me and made me lie down on the bed while he put a shaft of
greenstone (jade from new zealnd-he is Maori)on my belly "to take the
life out" he said, it heated up quickly and was quite hot, i miscarried
a week or two after that, i completely blocked out this memory - trauma
and exhaustion?
I have been staying with my brother and friends for the last 5 months to
gather my strength and pay a lot of debts which he left me with ( i have
paid off more than half now-yeeha!!).
(My ex did many nasty things to me mostly emotional violence and
isolation which escalted out of control, but i wont go on about that
now. He was the dark man /devil i manifested into my life and i have
learned sooooo much!!)
To cut to the quick i was staying at friends place his friend (from
Hollywood) came around to visit him but he wasn't there so he got some
beers and we started talking, he is an actor who lives in Hollywood. He
said i'm a healer and i said i keep meeting people like you, we talked
about many fascinating things as well as Kundalini and i told him how i
get these violent spasms running up my back from my crutch to my neck
and tingles on my head. I briefly told him about my ex and the last few
months. He wanted to do a healing on me, i trusted him straight away and
agreed, with my clothes on of course.
The session was and hour or so, starting with massaging my feet and
moving upwards, after my feet he didn't touch my body much, it got my
chakras whirling and as his hands passed over the different chakras
going upwards to my head many feelings and garbage (associated with the
energy of that chakra) in my head was coming up issues, projections
belief systems etc.. i could feel the energy coming in and going out, a
magnetic stream of energy and light. Up to my head and crown which was
filled with light and bliss and great feelings of love and beautiful
memories. A lot of pain came out from my vagina and legs which took some
time, i felt it was more than just the pain of the miscarriage it was
old stuff I have been carrying around with me (i was sexually abused
when i was 3 years old).
He started speaking in a strange language in a very low voice (he told
me this would happen) i knew it was ancient Tibetan even though i have
not heard it before( i have heard some chanting but this was different),
each sound that came out of his mouth vibrated through every cell in my
body and i felt very at home and protected, it felt like he was
addressing other beings too, i didn't feel alone, i felt gold lights
around us.
Later on he told me thousands of years ago he was a very proficient
Tibetan Healer(he used another word not healer-can't remember), and he
recalls that life and went to visit Tibet not that many years ago.
All the anger, frustration , fantasies of venegence, pain and
depression, paranoia and fear of seeing him on the streets (PTSD-post
traumatic stress depression)i had been going through left me after
that(about my ex-boyfriend-was close to doing something stupid).
I felt an inch taller and the world just got quite a bit smaller,
literally when i went to visit my Mum on her farm, after that the farm
looked so much smaller i was quite amazed.
After the session i was shaky and vulnerable but feeling very light, on
the verge of tears but quite a bit happier, we went out for dinner and i
never saw him after that.
Later that night(after he left) i had a vomit and danced for joy and
bawled my eyes out in sadness, danced then cried then danced and cried i
let go of more stuff, until i was exhausted and went to bed.
He told me tomorrow you must have a bath with a whole bottle of apple
cider vinegar in it, which i did.
The week following i was so spaced out, i would lie on the beach close
my eyes and start floating out of my body, it took some grounding
exercises, time sitting on the earth under trees and some solid food to
come back to earth again.
I feel so much more connected to everything but not attached to it, i
feel like i've had a big clean out, i feel more sensitive to energy
moving in me and am more spontaneous with all my feelings if something
comes up it just comes out and bubbles in my heart and bursts open with
love or tears what ever the feeling maybe. Layers of armour and blocks
are gone and i glow with energy and fresh light, my friends comment I've
never looked better.
In a few days i am moving into a flat with a girlfriend and am so
excited, i will have a home again, just hanging to put down my roots,(it
has been 5 months or so) have been feeling strung out a bit lately
having to move around from couch to floor etc..and have started seeing
someone, too who is very gentle and soft this has started me spinning
out a bit because my heart feels so open and i am trying to love without
condition and enjoy his company while he is here, he is a traveller and
will be leaving in a couple of months. Just to test me can i keep my
centre and grow and love and learn what the real nature of love is.
On Australia Day (last week ) we went to see the Tall Ships and Ferry
race on the harbour, many people had gathered families, picnics and
mirth, i felt so much love for my home and all the people, love coming
in my heart and going out, whirling in pink, mass love it almost made me
weep with joy. Sometimes i do shed a tear for joy, and cry in pain for
others suffering and myself. I seem to swing from emotionally attached
to feeling disattatched seeing the bigger picture, but thats ok right,
we are human.
I am about at the end for the moment.
Love Always
Caroline
P.S Special Thankyou for Mystress who gave me support.
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