To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/01/14 02:59
Subject: [K-list] The shakes
From: Wim Borsboom
On 1999/01/14 02:59, Wim Borsboom posted thus to the K-list:
Dear So & So
Sorry about being a bit late with this response, I really had to make sure
that my perceptions and conclusions were on the right track.
The K. process with you is unrolling itself as it should. True, it is
disconcerting when symptoms happen in public (the shaking etc.). That
happened to me too, a lot. Even when I was teaching computer classes,
things happened in class. I used to quietly leave the classroom and the
symptomatic movements (very often stuntedly dancelike) subsided. One time
in class though, I spontaneously started to hop childlikely and almost
yodel with happiness, when I saw a student overcoming a nasty problem with
MS Access (a database program). I tried as much as I could, to hold in my
yodel, but to no avail and I yelped like a...., well I yelped. The students
looked up... but instead of looking at me, they looked at that student who
at the same time as myself gave out a happy yell. The students got up from
their computer desks and huddled around that very relieved and exited lady
and they asked her how she had managed to solve her problem. After her
glorious smile and to-the-point explanation the class noticed me, still
hopping and hooting, and there was hilarious laughter. It had somehow
resolved itself, my behaviour was befitting the situation.
I slowly learned that by letting the K. symptoms do their thing , that my
inhibitions and compulsions would resolve themselves into appropriate
behaviour. Luckily most of the time happy and funny, but also appropriately
strong and assertive.
I discovered that I did not let myself be influenced anymore by what I call
fear of the "ratpack."
At one point I was at a medical doctors dinner, and the discussion somehow
ended up discussing the good and the bad of the Mc. Donald's diet and the
Mc. culture. There were two people out of the bunch who more openly dared
to criticize. Slowly however, the group's dynamics changed (we are talking
sacred cow here, Holy Hamburger) and before we knew most were behaving like
in their early highschool days, first dignified indignation (some of their
kids first jobs where with Mc D's), then some huddling, then the teaming
up, then the pack attack. All of a sudden Kundalini symptoms in me
increased: shaking, a strong repeating tick in my right shoulder and
repeated twisty turns of my spine. I somehow composed myself, I recognized
the pattern and told myself to have the movements unwrap themselves out of
me, no matter what. I was going to "let the chips fall where they may."
(There were enough doctors there, so what the heck, and some knew about my
K. problem anyways.)
I shook off my fear, I straightened my right shoulder... The assertiveness
in me became so strong, I never stood up so straight, I never looked so
strong and...friendly and I never had I such humour as then when I spoke
out about the responsibilities of one of the major feeders of the nation,
(that's what they think :-) It was noteworthy that the doctors' wives...
(the doctors themselves were men :-(), the women listened with wide grins
and their ears almost sticking out from their hairdo's. Before I knew even
the "guys" were laughing and agreeing. I'm not sure ;-) if that was still
ratpack like behaviour, it could very well be. But the dynamics of the
evening changed again and even the stern academics hugged.
Our "abnormal" frustrated responses (K. symptoms) usually stem from our
childhood when society, school, and / or family conditioning (more often
older brothers or sisters then our parents) would have us give up our
innocence, natural naivity, authenticity and personal strength. To be
"normal" (?)we would have to conform to the "fashion of the day," in
behaviour, dress code and verbal "hip" and "hey, cool"ness.
So we give up our innocence thanks to the abusive and illusive power of the
pack (called peer-pressure). *Illusive* because the pack's main weapen is
threat: "If you don't...., then..."
Threats are illusive, fear is not, suffering is.
This kind of negative influence from society that wants you to conform to
the code (of illusions) of the day, carries on through high-school and
university.
By then of course, one is fully molded by the expectations of the
environment. One's original identity is mostly gone. One is normal(?)....
one behaves.
Do you remember how "they" would team up, forcing you to be "sooo cool" or
"hip" or "with it". If you would not comply you would be threatened with
excommunication by the group, expelled from the clique. Threats, their
illusive weapons, an illusive show of force by the abusers of power, your
schoolmates, your "best" friends.
Those illusive weapons (there is a whole arsenal of them) feel of course
way more real that the authenticity of yourself which by then has almost
dissappeared. The only remnant of that authenticity is a timid
pronunciation of the word "I" and many sentences finish with a question
mark that questions the inner strength of the questioner.
Just notice: "I went to this party? and there were these guys?, you know?
and they looked so cool? you know what I mean? Sooo Cool! You get it?"
Kundalini with its cleansing actions has you pick up where you left off,
when you lost yourself to the power of the group conditioning.
See for yourself if some of the more negative symptoms of frustrated
responses, uncontrollable outbursts, compulsions, reflexes, nightmares, odd
fantasies, diet behaviour etc stem from the pack dynamics described above.
That pack behaviour we see regularly happen on mailing lists too. Flames
and such. Of course there are bonafide reasons for flames, but not all
flames are bonafide.
Take our list for instance. Remember last winter solstice.
This puerile / adolescent / sophomoric behaviour was of course showing lack
of maturity. A real K. symptom, so it has to happen on our list. I wonder
if we not ourselves instigate this kind of thing. It is a self -cleansing
process that however gets misinterpreted and instead of helping each other
with support, we try to work somebody out of the list, at least we let them
feel inadequate and eventually unwelcome. Some listmembers will display
self-righteousness in their judgements. Then likewise meaning cohorts will
levitate themselves to the same heights and then the teaming-up starts. The
pack attack...descends on the poor victim.
Of course in our list that can happen very subtlly, with just the *right
kind of pseudo-enlightened jargon and catch phrases*.
One would of course expect a more open, welcoming and understanding
response. But I guess this IS the real world or at least one where we are
dealing with emerging reality, called realization.
I bet you, when our group is made aware of the behaviour just outlined, the
normal and expected response from the pack ( it could be a small pack,
could be some bullies) is that the person who *felt* attacked is *just
acting out his or her paranoia*.
Sorry about that, I had to get that off my chest. And... I feel very good
about it, no matter what. I'll let the chips fall where they may. It is
not for nothing that I joined this self-help and mutual-support group. I
need help too, compassionate help, not puerile pseudo guru wise-cracking
fluff. Sorry again, but it feels good.
I may make a fool of myself, but I don't want to fool myself. So help me
.... YOU. Ha, pfff...this feels so good, it cannot be wrong.
Sorry, but I like to clean up my ailments publicly, at least the ones that
I received and underwent publicly. I like to do that with consorts that
understand the same because they have suffered the same or similar and will
be compassionate in the same.
Problem is, I am evidently short on compassion, that's why I am here.
SSSooo, the ticks, tremors, hops, convulsions, the shakes, the grunts,
sighs, hums, outrages, etc., the negative K. symptoms... we know now where
most of them originate.
They are the evidence of the times that you were hurt so badly, that you
where knocked out of your original state. Illusion was forced down your
throat, to make it feel real, very often under threat of death. No kidding.
We people, are here just for pure survival, all of us. None of us can
afford the illusions anymore, that's what K. is energizing us for, to
reclaim eventually immortalty. *Death, deadness, damnation*, we will
discover does not exist.
Those terms are evidence of the early civilization's illusive fearmongers
that we used to call the devil or evil or the demons around us.
No use fighting illusions is it? If you do they just increase in number, we
are our own best illusionists.
So go into the ticks, move with the shakes, overdo the compulsions till you
pull the final plug. (I was a compulsive weed puller, a certain kind of
clover. Not that it drove me nuts, I was that already. It was after I
*acknowledged* my nuttiness that I started pulling with abandon. Eventually
I got tired of it, there is enough of them critters left for my next bout
of ....)
One thing, even with my weirdest compulsions, and I described a few in
earlier posts, I was always respectful of my fellow beings. I did not want
to hurt anybody with incomprehensible behaviour. I did not use the word
apprehensible because I enjoyed my weirdness tremendously, until I lost
interest.
I just wrote here about *problematic* K symptoms, there are way more
blissfull ones. They are way much more fun to write about, but they will
also cause more disbelieve and counter / reaction.
Anyway, I take that plunge too one other time.
I'm still working on a piece about nectar. I want that to be good. K is great.
Wim, compulsively
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