1998/05/24 07:44
kundalini-l-d Digest V98 #400
kundalini-l-d Digest Volume 98 : Issue 400
Today's Topics:
Re: Scared/Help [ David Bozzi <david.bozziATnospamsnet.net> ]
Re: Subconscious pressure and return [ David Bozzi <david.bozziATnospamsnet.net> ]
I humbly beg to disagree about being [ jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu (Jenny) ]
Re: new person alert [ Mystress Angelique Serpent <serpent ]
Scared/Help [ pam roberson <pamie59ATnospamyahoo.com> ]
Re: Scared/Help [ "Lobster" <lobsterATnospamdial.pipex.com> ]
The Chaos in the Unconscious [ Harsha1MTM <Harsha1MTMATnospamaol.com> ]
Fear of death [ "Paul West" <paulATnospamstationone.demon. ]
Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 03:55:46 -0400
From: David Bozzi <david.bozziATnospamsnet.net>
To: Kundalini <kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com>
Subject: Re: Scared/Help
Message-ID: <3567D281.FF209BAAATnospammail.snet.net>
kristin wrote:
> you do not know the fine details that make me. Some
> of those details make up a lot of this.
The details are always some reflection of the real inner issue.The details are
insignificant. They are an aversion.
> I am and have been ready to transcend this ego crap, it's hard though. I am
> not happy right now, and I do not enjoy it one bit. It's not me, and I want to
> be back t my happy self.
The "happy" self that stuck its' head in the sand to avoid the immensityof Real
Self?
> I want to be
> happy once again, I am not happy right now, not at all. I am willing to work,
> and try anything, but I am lost, and not sure where to go.
The "happiness" of aversion is not real happiness. Your Attention has wanderedand
you experience being lost.
You are in the center of the woods. Would you resort to the comfort of hiding
again?
> I have always tried to face my problems head on, except those ones I hid
> behind my skiing. I am trying to face them head on now, but its hard when you
> let something build up so, and then on top of it add a few other things to it.
There's only one problem.One issue.
It takes many forms.
Don't get stuck in the glitter of the circumstances.
Experience the energy flow moving through the body and focus
loving attention on where you sense the blocks.
This is a way of blessing yourself.
With blessings,
David
Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 04:05:25 -0400
From: David Bozzi <david.bozziATnospamsnet.net>
To: Kundalini <kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com>
Subject: Re: Subconscious pressure and returning smiles
Message-ID: <3567D4C4.A22C1934ATnospammail.snet.net>
Mystress Angelique Serpent wrote:
> sometimes Roberto appreciates a translator..
You can't please everyone.It's a burden to try.
Perhaps attempting to please everyone else is a type of aversion
in confronting ones' own distress?
> When I was in comedy school they said that it's not a joke, if ya have
> ta explain it.
Comedy School?Now *that's* funny.
(flunked Rubber Chicken 101)
David
: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : )
Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 04:07:04 -0500
From: jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu (Jenny)
To: kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: I humbly beg to disagree about being a crybaby (was Scared/Help)
Message-Id: <v01530506b18d83498c6cATnospam[128.83.154.66]>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 20:25:05 EDT
>From: Imtgxxx <ImtgxxxATnospamaol.com>
>To: kristinATnospamaol.com, kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
>
>Kristen writes:
> I have never been dependant on anyone though, because if I became
>dependant
>I found I would get hurt more.
>
>Kristen.... this is not true! You are looking to many here, depending on us
>to *fix* you. You are engaging various people here on the list in
>conversations offline and asking for their help. You have been given
>excellent advice for what you are asking from those that have been down the
>same road as yourself. You do not implement their advice. Therefore you are
>not actually interested in getting well but are engaging in an inappropriate
>cry for attention.
>
>I would ask those who are in contact with Kristin to withdraw their attention
>...........
>I suggest all personal correspondence is withdrawn. If you are going to
>continue with this crybaby routine Kristin there is nothing we can do. If you
>want our help, you are going to have to stop playing mind games of 'poor me'.
>..........
>xxxtg
>
>* Be a fountain, not a drain *
I must most humbly disagree with some of the things you've said here, xxxtg.
I know there are people who make a chronic lifelong pattern of complaining
and that the complaining stands directly in the way of change. These people
have to learn to face reality in a very different way.
But sometimes, there is a different thing that happens. In some cases, a
person learns early on in life not to trust others, but to make her/his own
way in independence and isolation, all the while striving toward the light
in whatever limited way she can. ( I say "she", not just because of
Kristin, but because this is my story, too)
Eventually Spirit must pull the rug out from our rugged individualist
heroine so that she will be forced to connect on a real level with other
people--thus facing her worst fears and thus having to learn to surrender
to Spirit or perish. The loss of independence and identity, and the thought
of having to seek help from others is the most terrifying thing she can
imagine, and it only gets more terrifying. It is literally like facing
death--a very frightening death. It is very hard to be rational, to do
anything except be terrified and paralyzed. All the well-meaning
suggestions aside.... it is hard to exist, to take the next breath, and yet
harder to think of not existing, of not taking the next breath. Following
suggestions, as useful as they might eventually be, is somewhat irrelevant.
It is like being asked to choose being ripped to pieces by a torturer or
burned to death in a fire, and then being told to do something to calm
oneself down while making this horrendous choice.
In fact, as Kristin said, the thing that she has identified with... in her
case skiing, in my case, never having to depend on anyone... masks a
lifetime of terrors that have been there all along, getting worse while
they went unnoticed. The change in paradigm that suddenly takes away one's
fortress of safety and thrusts one into the heart of her worst nightmares
can seem literally unbearable for a very long time.
Being told things to do doesn't necessarily help much, if at all. For me it
usually just made things worse because I felt like I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PULL
MYSELF OUT OF IT!! and not being able to pull myself out by my bootstraps,
as I had always been able to do before, was so frightening... and not being
able to do what other people suggested made me feel horribly humiliated and
like I deserved to die! (I did, however, mention a list of things Kristin
might do because you never know what might serve as a lifeline in these
circumstances, and sometimes, after being told repeatedly about something
that might help, it would eventually sink in to my mind and I would try it,
and it would help.)
But what got me through the times of terror was having someone who cared
very much about me and who I eventually came to trust, who listened to me
over and over and over saying basically the same things that Kristin is
saying.... " I'm terrified, this is horrible, I don't think I can bear
it...help me help me help me help me...." All this person did for me was
listen to me over and over, and tell me that it was OK to keep telling him
how awful things were, that he would listen as long as I needed it, and
that he was happy to do it... he made me NOTICE that I was not alone, and
that I was actually still alive, even though I felt like I was dying, and
that I was perfectly OK, even though I felt insane.
He listened to the same things from me, week in and week out, for some
YEARS... sometimes the terror would suddenly lift for a little while and I
would have moments, weeks, and even months of utter brilliance, but then
the horror would descend on me again, and we'd go through it again and
again.
Throughout the whole thing, I passed so much pain... my bodies (energy and
physical bodies) were healing and transforming the things in me that were
the cause of the terror.... My friend would hold me while I sobbed and
screamed and convulsed and relived the experience of dying or nearly dying,
or at least thinking I was dying... I sweated and shook uncontrollably,
laughed uncontrollably, had huge surges of heat sweep through me....
This man was truly a gift from Spirit of the highest order. We met in a
class designed to teach people how to do for each other what he and I did
for each other. I KNEW that everything I was experiencing had to do with
healing all the things that kept me from living in harmony with Spirit, and
yet still it mostly seemed unbearable and certainly not worth it. (I
actually did the same thing for him that he did for me... we took turns,
and I have to say that often the only clear moments I had were when I was
taking my turn listening to him)
Slowly, slowly, slowly, I began to emerge on the other side of the terror.
It has been a few years now since I have had the sensation that something
was unbearable, and more and more often I can sit in the stillness of I
AM-- although there is certainly a LOT more shit to get cleaned out, and it
is still NO PICNIC! But now, more and more, even when things feel
uncomfortable, I can hand everything over to Spirit and mostly focus on the
things that are wonderful. I know that it's just some more old pain
resurfacing to be healed.
My point in this painfully long discourse (if anyone is still reading at
this point.... LOL!) is that I believe Kristin may be going through
something similar to what I went through. If so, it is far beyond the realm
of being a crybaby... and being called that *really* doesn't help. Telling
people to turn their attention from her only confirms the nightmare of the
terror she is facing and probably doesn't help her to release it. I know if
I'd ever let myself get close enough to a group of people to tell them what
I was going through, and then one of them advised the group to ignore me,
it would have been devastating to a point I can't even imagine.
As I said, I acknowledge that there are some people who are just chronic
complainers for whom this approach might work, but then there are those of
us who have a great big chunk of fearsome shit to work through, and who
really just need to be listened to. I thank all beings in the universe that
I had someone to sit and hold me and listen to me for so very long, until I
could find my way back to the light. I'm so sorry that Kristin doesn't yet
seem to have anyone to do this for her, but in the mean time, I believe
that those of us here might possibly serve the same purpose. If so, I
believe that all that's required of us is our time to read her words and to
respond with encouragement that she can make it.
I also realize that there may be some here who find it terribly
uncomfortable to have to go through the repeated renditions of her pain. I
suggest that if it is horribly uncomfortable, it may be because you have
some similar pain to face that you have so far managed to avoid facing
head-on. (I'm not directing this at you xxxtg, I don't necessarily think
this is the basis for your reaction... it may be that you just don't have a
frame of reference for someone going through this sort of thing.) But I
wouldn't be surprised if there are people on this list who do find
listening to Kristin uncomfortable because of their buried pain. Before I
went through my "long dark night" it was utterly unbearable for me to be
around anyone expressing pain or grief in any form.
So, I advocate that you, Kristin, continue to tell us how it is going for
you, even when it is very hard indeed. We here know that it can be terrible
to go through what you're going through and that you, too, can make it.
Take and act on whichever suggestions you can, and don't feel ashamed for
those you can't.
I advocate for the rest of us on this list to realize that listening and
encouragement really do help, even if there doesn't seem to be a change on
Kristin's part. If it bothers you to read what she writes, you can always
skip it.
Sorry for the length of the post...I'll get off the soapbox now.
Jenny
Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 03:19:27 -0700
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent <serpentATnospamdomin8rex.com>
To: "Beth" <bethkATnospamband1.bandwidth.net>
Cc: <kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com>
Subject: Re: new person alert
Message-Id: <3.0.5.32.19980524031927.008d9590ATnospamdomin8rex.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
Heya new person Beth:
Welcome!
At 01:20 AM 23/05/98 -0700, Beth wrote:
>I haven't had any explosions.
>
>One thing that's bugging me is everyone talking about K. as female. My
>Inner Self doesn't feel female at all. Am I weird? Maybe the Inner Self is
>not the same as Kundalini.
>
>I am feeling something, maybe more than one thing, that feels very male.
>How could my Inner Self be male or female? How could I, as a woman, have an
>Inner Self that's male? But then, it would be only natural for me. I've
>always felt like a guy inside, even though I'm heterosexual.
That's because you are a guy inside. Carl Jung said that the unconscious
mind of every person is the opposite gender as the body. Your ideal mate
lives within. It is thru him you become whole.
To get your first big K-fire explosion, hold the idea of your perfect
male clear in your mind so you can have a conversation with him. He will
attempt to seduce you immediately.. allow this, it is in your highest good,
and let him handle the mechanics.. he Knows your body better than you do,
and controls every single nerve, cell and muscle.
This is the sacred marriage, and out of this union( what goddess has
joined, let no-one put asunder.. you'll be doing the wild thing with this
guy into eternity..) comes the Divine Androgyne, the Spirit having a human
experience.
>
>And then later he let me in on this little secret: he
>chose a female body so that he could have sex with men more easily. Is my
>life really about living out this other person's fantasy?
LOL! No and yes. He is you.
My own unconscious males are a story.. since I was young, I have always
liked blonde men. I had a face in my mind, David Bowie-Sting-Dolph
Lundgren.. Angel from the Marvel Comics Avengers.. Aragorn from Lord of the
Rings..
I figured this must be my "soul mate", and when I got old enough I went
looking for him.
Met Mr. Almost right, not good enough many times.. had more 3-month
passionate forever relationships that sank abruptly of the weight of their
own expectations, than I care to count.. and after a particularly nasty one
with somebody who didn't look a bit like him.. that tossed me into
depression for a month, I realized that I was love, and it seemed I could
fall in love with anyone. So I decided to just stop it, and stop looking
for this blond guy.. and started collecting houseboys off the telephone
personals.. playing.
I fell for one last straight blonde guy, eventually gave that up too..
mostly..:)..but tripping with him one day, he said I looked like a
Frenchman with a black moustache and a little knife. Long dark curls. He
did not think he trusted him very much... I could feel myself being this
Frenchman. I said in a strange accent, that 'he' was loyal to his friends..
My beloved looked like a very pretty German peasant girl..
I figured we were seeing past lives.. and got to know the Frenchman a
bit.. he seemed to be the one with the knack for Domination.. I had asked
for guidance in my work, it seemed I'd gotten a reformed sadistic feudal
society Nobleman, who had sincerely indulged the power of life and death
(and everything he could think of in between) over his subjects.
He had a really dark sense of humor, I didn't entirely trust him either,
tried to exorcise him a coupla times coz I didn't like his attitude.. but
eventually we became buddies, and I realized he was my male, dominant side.
Gave him love.. I could never hear his name clearly, so I named him Armand.
It fit him.
A few months back someone was asking me about him, and I realized Armand
is not blonde, and thought about my ideal man of my youth, and realized he
looked exactly like the face I had seen in my mirror some time ago, that I
had identified at the time as Archangel Michael..
I let this sit in the back of my mind for a few days, then in the middle
of a Tantric shower ritual I remembered Armand joking one time about how
his peasants used to whisper that he was Lucifer incarnate.. and with a
shock I realized I had a duality of Archangels in my head.
The serpent and the sword. There they stood together in my mind, grinning
at me, arm in arm like the oldest of friends.. more than friends.. they are
lovers, and they have a BDSM switch relationship that is one of the most
beautiful inspiring things I have ever witnessed. In the back of my mind
they are playing at every good guy bad guy scene I had ever encountered,
Batman to The Scarlet pimpernel.. with wit and style and special grace, not
to mention belly ROTFLMTO humor coz they are both immortal and cannot be
harmed, no matter how many times they chop each other's heads off with high
drama and boyish enthusiasm.
The play of the dualities is awesome. Awesomely funny!!
They led me to a Novena Candle for St Michael in Dollar store.. and there
they were, on the picture on the front.. It was dedicated to Michael, but
in my mind it was for them both. They also looked eerily similar to my own
mental conceptions. except Armand was too muscular and had lost his lovely
curls, and Michael looked kinda bored and wimpy.. (they tell me it was to
balance out Armand not getting much of a credit in the text.) but I don't
think I have ever seen a Novena Candle dedicated to the Duality of
Archangels...
The perfection gave me a belly laugh, when I looked more closely at the
image in the time it took to burn down.. days.. it is a painting.. not a
great work of art, but of sublime perfection.
Michael and Armand/Lucifer, goin' at it.. Michael is on top this time, as
is to be expected in this type of image.. LOL!..( but it is always the
heroes who get tortured.. Ask Batman..) he is armored standing with one toe
lightly poised on Armand's head.. holding him down as Armand lies naked on
his belly at the edge of a pit of fiery brimstone.. Michael has his sword
lifted high as if to lop off Armand's head, (again..) and apparently his
own left foot, as well.. which is a rather witty comment about Kundalini
that I am sure the artist had no idea they were making.. and the funniest
bit is the moment after, in my imagination.... Michael hopping around on
one foot trying to put the other back on like a boot, while Armand crawls
into the brimstone pit in search of his head..
Whenever anything scares me, I toss it up to the archangels to have fun
with,.. and the result gives me laughing fits.. Wheeee! Huge love for them
both.. :)
>
>Well, great, I was a gay man in a previous life. Again, not a big surprise,
>it's certainly occured to me before.
It seems like unconscious selves like to show up as past lives..
archetypes...why not? They have all of race memory, the Jungian cosmic
consciousness to draw on.. the awareness of Goddess.. thru your unconscious
which is always in touch with the Divine, you already know everything. You
are everything.
Your unconscious is already in tune with Deity.. it is your ego that is
not.. and the Sacred Marriage joins the two into one androgynous Temple.
Which is a fit home for spirit to move into, so it does..:)
When this first happened, I was
>freaked out, and it didn't happen from my nice gradual teacher, either, it
>happened after an encounter with someone who is similar in abilities and
>nature to Mystress Angelique Serpent, only not so up-front about it. Having
>a hole blasted in my head and my tender little brahma knot cracked open was
>scary and emotionally painful, and I sure wasn't ready to know about any
>past lives.
Hmmm.. it is often scary end emotionally painful whether it is sudden or
slow.. it depends on the individual. Would you rather the Band-Aid was
pulled off quick with surprise, or slow with buildup of fear and
anticipation?
It could not have happened without the consent of your higher self, so
you might as well give up the victim idea and thank them.. for your own
highest good.
> But that was 6 months ago, now I'm blase about it.
Good.. be blase about it.. coz if time and space doesn't exist, how can
we have past lives??
Answer: we don't.. everything that has ever happened or ever can happen
is in the NOW.
We tune into other aspects of the One self, across space time which
doesn't exist, and get the information we need to understand where we are
at in the Now.
Your ego has an issue, your unconscious dips it's bucket into the flow of
all past (and sometimes future) history, to make a connection with another
.. who carries the resonance of the same or similar issue.. and presents
the information as being about you. Which it is coz there is only One of
Us, and it is All of us.. and where you and "other" resonate, the veil of
separation thins and disappears.. the illusion of two separate is traded
for the illusion of one reappearing linearly thru time..
>Obviously it
>was what I was craving, and still crave, although I know that the slow,
>gradual way is the healthier way for me.
>
And if your K. happens to disagree, I am sure it can arrange an event to
speed things up, again..;)
If you have cravings, give in to them. The path of Temptation.. follow
your bliss.
>Anyway, hello.
>
>By the way, isn't it lucky that we are not in the middle of a civil war, no
>thugs trying to force us out of our homes? Isn't it lucky we have time and
>peace to contemplate our navels? Isn't it lucky we can walk outside without
>worrying about snipers or bombs or mines? Take a walk, relish our freedom.
>
Luck?? My word is "blessed".. No Accidents.. thankyou Goddess..
Blessings, Mystress.
>Bye now.
>
>
>
Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 04:15:30 -0700 (PDT)
From: pam roberson <pamie59ATnospamyahoo.com>
To: kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com
Subject: Scared/Help
Message-ID: <19980524111530.19575.rocketmailATnospamsend1a.yahoomail.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Drats. I wrote a rather lengthy reply to Kristen's response to Tg's
post, and I hit send before Cc'ing the K list. I really wanted to post
that to the entire list. So here's a quick summary.
I don't feel that tg is being judgemental. According to her post, she
has spent some time talking w/Kristen privately, and others evidently
have talked with Kristen as well. So what else is someone to think
when they listen with compassion, give advice to lead the person
towards helping themselves, and the person doesn't heed the advice? It
would appear that Kristin isn't ready to help herself. Only she knows
the reason for that.
I feel that tg is trying to help Kristen understand something about
herself that would ultimately lead her towards helping herself more.
Kristen, if you want to post my mail to you, then feel free to do so.
If you wish to reply here on the list, then that is fine too. I didn't
mean to make my mail to you a private thing. : )
Peace
Pam
_________________________
DO YOU YAHOO!?
Get your free ATnospamyahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 13:34:03 +0100
From: "Lobster" <lobsterATnospamdial.pipex.com>
To: "Kundalini - L" <kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com>,
"Imtgxxx" <ImtgxxxATnospamaol.com>
Subject: Re: Scared/Help
Message-ID: <000501bd8647$55a4b6e0$685495c1ATnospamdefault>
Content-Type: text/plain;
charset="iso-8859-1"
>I suggest all personal correspondence is withdrawn. If you are going to
>continue with this crybaby routine Kristin there is nothing we can do. If
you
>want our help, you are going to have to stop playing mind games of 'poor
me'.
>Otherwise we may just feed you to Lobster :-)
Oh TG and Dear Kundalini Friends,
Please, please do not feed me this poor little fish. As you know I have been
unwell and in such pain (the agony of my dilemma you could not even begin to
comprehend - ain't I the lucky one - having all that karma to clear :-). Now
I have been engaged in a comprehensive program of health care. However I do
not want you to feel sorry for me because I know what I have to do :-) and
am doing it - Ain't I a brave little Lobster? :-)
So please don't send Kristin or any of your problems my way - I have my own
to deal with. BOO HOO!, Poor Lobster :-)
Be Well and if not GET WELL,
Lobster
PS. Many think I am joking, those who do not - many thanks for your prayers
and kind thoughts.
Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 09:38:58 EDT
From: Harsha1MTM <Harsha1MTMATnospamaol.com>
To: jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu, kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: The Chaos in the Unconscious
Message-ID: <ceadd952.356822f3ATnospamaol.com>
In a message dated 5/24/1998 1:47:29 AM Pacific Daylight Time,
jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu writes:
<< Eventually Spirit must pull the rug out from our rugged individualist >>
Harsha: The Spirit asserts It Self sometimes by revealing the chaos of fears,
anxieties and uncertainties hidden deep within the mind. For me several
years of suffering prepared me for a fundamental cognitive change in Self -
Awareness and eventually higher Samadhis. Sometimes one has to be like that
swiss clock advertised in a commercial (which takes a licking and keeps on
ticking).
Date: 24 May 98 15:04:04 +0000
From: "Paul West" <paulATnospamstationone.demon.co.uk>
To: kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com
Subject: Fear of death
Message-Id: <356836E4.MD-0.196.paulATnospamstationone.demon.co.uk>
Hi.
I have had a fear of death for most of my life. It manifests in an
avoidance of risk and a disliking of unpleasantness. I have not known
anyone who has died. I think I only ever saw one dead person from a
distance. I have been noticing that I seem to be lazy to some extent,
that if it is possible, I will adjust the rules of the game to make
things easier for myself.
I was playing some computer games and is the case with most of them
you can change the settings to adjust the difficulty level. Most of
the time I will put it to the easiest level and then the game becomes
just an easy way to get satisfied. But it's not truly satisfying. Just
lately I have been finding myself introducing `unnecessary
limitations'. After all, if you can adapt some options to remove
unnecessary difficulty then I will do so. But in deliberately putting
myself into a more riskful position, where I could more likely be
beaten or die, it gives one a kind of happyness about defeat.
I am mainly a competitive person. I quite like sports and there are
certain heights which can be achieved when there is an element of
competition. But I don't like losing all that much. And I don't like
making mistakes and I don't like slipping up. But yesterday I led
myself to have spasms of laughter as a result of openly accepting the
possibility of dying, defeat, and death. I actually kind of enjoyed
the computer game more by it being more biased towards the other
players. By making things harder for myself and openly embracing the
consequences, I felt that I was no longer afraid of death - that I
had a love of it.
I found there is a great confidence that can come about when you are
happy about making a mistake. I'm normally too hard on myself as a
result of taking death too seriously. But if I say to myself, ok, I
might actually lose, I might actually snuff it, I might actually let
everyone and everything else win, then there is this peculiar
acceptance in which death and life are married. I hope I don't sound
like a sadist, that's not what I mean. When psychologically you
/choose/ to lay everything on the line, when you /choose/ to not know
how things will turn out, it all seems to work. And the more you do it
the more you seem likely to be a winner without the ego.
It feels kind of strang being happy about being dead. I think it's the
way, I think you have to embrace it to transform it. That doesn't mean
sustaining unhappyness and having to put up with dying, as when you
change your attitude towards the thing the thing actually changes its
appearence too. When one is faced with death and one is not happy
about it one is cautious about choosing to go along with it because
one so surely knows that it will still be dreadful wether you are with
it or against it. But it doesn't actually work like that. If you
decide to go with it, it actually changes, actually transforms into
something else. The seperation is removed and the whole appearance of
the thing is revolutionised. This is how we become one with `evil'. It
is transcendence.
I wonder if, when unhappy, it would be good therapy to deliberately
seek to destroy oneself, in a constructure manner. Of course getting
the wrong end of the stick would turn out as suicide, but forcing
yourself to be happy about self-termination could be quite liberating.
The idea of piling on the pressure when one is vulnerable does not
sound attractive, but it only becomes additional pressure if you
reject its healing property. I wonder if someday I'll stand up and
directly challenge God and the whole universe to `come on then', to
throw everything it has at me, to strike me down and give me
everything it has got - which doesn't mean taking away my freedom or
happyness - and for there to be a wonderful immortal joy.
Anyway..
--
Paul.
IRC: #amiga, Dalnet: #blitz
WWW: http://www.stationone.demon.co.uk
E-M: paulATnospamstationone.demon.co.uk
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