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Tales of AwakeningThese personal experiences are posted with the permission of the people involved. Reproduction for anything other than personal use is prohibited.
Subject: First Post - Not knowing where to start.
I have been so enthralled since someone introduced me to the list. Thank you for listening. I think I have been guided perfectly to here.
It's hard for me to know where to start since I believe that I began this journey when I was very young and am only now beginning to understand what has brought me to this moment...
I have lived my whole life knowing there was a universal "love" that I was here to experience. As a child I spent all my time escaping sexual abuse and violence by retreating to the comfort of trees and my animals. I protected them the way I wanted to be protected. During my life I chose 3 separate times to live instead of die - because I KNEW that I would find what I am now in the process of knowing at a profound level.
I have lived through and learned from sexual abuse from the age of 2-1/2, drug abuse and addiction, sexual slavery as a young teen, violence, holding prestigious business positions in amazing businesses, marriage, childbirth, adoption, divorce, rape as an adult, severe illness.... These things are all my history and I guess I felt it necessary to mention them because through the experience of this lifetime I remained true to one thing and that was this journey to the "love" and compassion I feel in my life today.
This illness began about 5 years ago after the rape. I went into a 4 year period of inner contemplation. I read and studied and prayed and meditated almost constantly during this time. I did workshops even when I had to pull a mattress into the room so that I could lay in the back and bathe myself in the growth that occurred there. I studied tantra and removed myself from sexual experience. These were all things I was drawn to do. I didn't really have any guidance other than my heart and was often confused by the experiences I was (and am) having. I got flickers of knowing that I was having an awakening but then would wonder"why me?" and doubt what was happening... That is why this list and the website that brought me here was so important to me.
I have always been open to the unlimited possibilities of the universe, even when growing up in a strictly Catholic household that tried to crush any openness I might find within. So now I am understanding that a lot of my physical problems are related to this awakening. I believe that I am healing and rejoice in knowing that this healing is occurring due to my diligence.
One night in the middle of a meditation - I felt my body begin to quake. I thought there was a helicopter outside my window and that they were shining a light through the window and into me. The noise got louder and louder until I thought I wouldn't be able to stand it but it didn't hurt. The light streamed in and I thought we must be having and earthquake. I tried to get up to check on my children and my body was frozen in a stream of lightening that began at the base of my spine and traveled through the top of my head - I drew a picture of it later when my therapist suggested that because I found it difficult to write about - I draw pictures. I attempted to cry out but couldn't. As the experience began to subside I felt a humming inside my body that could be heard outside and that lasted for what seemed like hours. (This also happened to me at the Tantra workshop when after Puja I found myself alone and spent the rest of the evening running my own energy back through my heart - I spent that evening in another place another dimension I think - the next morning people heard me humming... another story).
After this night I began having dreams that I couldn't distinguish between reality and the dream. I knew I was going crazy. Didn't sleep for days and these dreams were terrifying. Like being stuck in a body and trying to let someone know that I was dying but not being able to reach them. When I drew them I was entombed in a mummy like wrapping.. This was also at a time where I thought I wanted to die because the pain of the illness and the stress involved with raising my two children in this pain was too much. I was at the third crossroad of deciding between staying with this body or moving on.
I live in a very spiritual community surrounded by people who love me. I manifested this for myself. My friends gathered round to let me know that they believed something more was happening than my going crazy. They knew me too well, but also didn't know what was happening with me - they were just there... Synchronicity is a daily occurence for me. I experience miracles in a glorious way and have been given the gift to be able to see energy move between and among us on different occassions. I experience pyschodelic episodes without the drugs.
My adopted daughter is able to astral project and talk with me about it. She also has dreams that let her know what is happening the next day. One of my gifts is that I can hold the space for her to have these experiences. I want to find the right people to work with her gift. I myself travel a lot in my "dreams". I deliver messages to people. Every time I go I get better at travel. I can fly higher and go farther.
As you might imagine, I have had very few people that I can talk to about these things and I have so many other experiences to talk about. If you have any information that might help me please teach me. I am so willing and open to experience these gifts I have been given. I have to say there is a fear here but death doesn't seem to enter into my fear any longer. I am getting well. In fact, I found that I had three months of feeling this wondrous energy. I took it to work with a group of people who work with teenagers and who I know are blessed with a gift to heal the world. I took them through a hard period in the work they were doing and then I got sick again... I'm not sure I understand this but think I have been given another opportunity to do this work and to have even longer periods where I can take my gift to the universe.
I am overcome with emotion right now... I need guidance and I have been led here.
In love and in glorious light,
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