To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/07/08 07:55
Subject: [K-list] Hello and Introduction
From: Jennifer Hutson
On 2003/07/08 07:55, Jennifer Hutson posted thus to the K-list:
Hello All,
I am new to the list and am pasting my introductory e-mail below in hopes that there will be others who will relate and have helpful things to share. Thanks.
My name is Jennifer. I am 28 years old. In 1997, I was involved in a relationship with a "healer" who was "helping" me with my sexual abuse issues. I don't believe that he meant to do me any harm, but there was a sexual relationship between us, which both fascinated me and made me uncomfortable. He practiced shamanic type rituals with me. During one, he "opened" my root chakra. After he was done, I felt a very pleasant cold in the root chakra. After a few weeks I started feeling energy, feeling people and feeling energies leaving myself, etc. I found it wonderful and felt that I had made real spiritual progress. I became a vegetarian. Also, I started going to Satya Sai Baba satsangs. For a period of time, I was in a state of blissful awareness. I felt truly special in the cosmos, etc. Having a very turbulent emotional background, this was the first time I had ever felt safe in the universe, that things might "work out" for me, that there was a "plan." This gradually faded as I could not give up my ego self. I had "friends" and had used drugs for about 12 years. I was conscious of my growing detachment and I felt myself choose to come "back down" even though I knew it was a bad choice. To bring it up to present date, I am suffering a lot at the moment and have had bouts of extremely severe depression. I still feel things a lot, but they don't feel pleasant. Sometimes I feel that my own mind is attacking me. I feel weird phantoms in my body, and I feel responsible for them. So, I feel worse because I feel that I am making myself miserable and that there is some part of me that is really me who is bad, and enjoys this. Yet, I feel totally out of control of it. I have a constant sort of trancelike state and I can see nature as beautiful, but I am so sensitive that even small stimulus produces major psycho-physical reactions. I have extreme social-phobia at the moment. I feel people, and then sometimes I feel like I'm sucking energy off of them. I feel like I don't exist and that I'm pulling on them to define me. My intellect can rationalize still, but I don't really believe it. I don't mean to go on and on, I'm just hoping that I can join the list and find out if there is anyone else with a similar story who has made progress and what they are doing to make it. I feel like there are people who would love me if I'd let them, but I cannot seem to open to people in any kind of appropriate manner. I feel like when I open, I am sort of merging in an unhealthy way. I know that when you believe something, it manifests. But when I try to believe "positive" things, I feel like I am either lying or the visceral feelings I experience are dragging me back. I feel like a failure. Then I feel even worse for speaking my feelings, in the past I have judged others who seemed to have a loser attitude. I just hope there is someone out there who has had a similar experience, and is really recovering.
Thanks for listening.
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