To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/01/10 10:40
Subject: [k-list] random thoughts as I unwind.. was Re: Oy!! Never did l
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2003/01/10 10:40, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
Now we are 37. Welcome new/old members!
I have to say again, it gave me a great deal of personal satisfaction to have the K-list rise like a pheonix from the ashes, within hours of it being deleted. Reborn, in beauty.
I lay down for an hour this evening, tried to sleep... my body was quietly vibrating with Shakti clearing me. Kept getting interesting waves of goosebumps moving up my torso, very pleasant... and a warm heart glow.
Gave up on sleep, after a while.. The body is still a little too wired from the effort and stress. Felt somewhat refreshed, anyhow. Thanked Goddess. Ate some food. Not much appetite. Decided to unwind by writing out my thoughts and sharing them. Not sure if they are worth sharing, but there ya go...
At 06:33 PM 09/01/03, Sabrina Gould wrote:
>Hello all,
>
>I will certainly forward the nasty letter I received to yahoo's abuse department.
Very cool. Make sure you include the whole email, and the extended headers, which do not usually show up unless you click on the button to show them... which button, depending on which mail program you use.
>Ya know, I started to read it for shits and giggles, and had to stop about a paragraph in 'cause it was like being kicked repeatedly in the solar plexus again and again.....
Yup. I am aware of a dull heaviness in my solar plexus, which I have been surrendering/returning to sender periodically. It feels mild, but I think I might not be in my body enough, to really feel the extent of it. I have no appetite, only thirst.
Overall, I feel peaceful. Tired, sooo tired, but peaceful. I know I have not been completely grounded, by how often my computer has been crashing despite the computer-spell... but the only time I really freaked out was last night when I thought the troll was inside my yahoo account, wreaking havoc. It was actually a relief to learn yahoo had deleted my account, instead. Heh. Funny.
>I know you told me my own projections may cause this effect, Mystress,
Yup, and no. Depends, really. Students have to focus on that, develop the attitude, as a discipline. Looking within is a good general principle, that way you avoid projecting, learn greater unity and can use this kind of stuff as fodder for personal growth,
... but sometimes a whack is just a whack. We are Gods of our own lifes and so everything is self created on some level... but at some point you get tired of looking for meaning and reasons and decide stuff just Is. That, in itself is surrender. I would not advise you to jump off a cliff or step in front of a bus to prove that the world is illusion, nor do you have to put up with being whacked, if you can step out of the way.
I saw a TV show awhile ago, the top 10 martial arts. One involved learning to develop your chi so you can survive having four big fellas all punch you in the throat, at once... etc.. Get whacked with bats and not bruise or flinch. Very impressive! But then again, why not just learn to duck? :)
I have spent a little bit of time wondering what is the higher purpose of all this, and I really have not come to any conclusions. Just no energy to dig for reasons and tell myself stories. Thoughts appear, I watch them, they wander out again.
Shit happens, as Goddess Wills. Make lemonade. I wish I had followed through on an impulse to download a copy of the member list yesterday, but I did not, and that is that. The troll likes to think I ignore him out of fear, well, so what? If what he thinks about me, was important to me, I'd have responded to his extravagant efforts to get my attention, sooner.
The other day I was perusing the satsangh list, there was a great quote:
>Subject: Bhagavan: I want to be left alone
>
>Editor of Conscious Immortality wrote:
>A disciple was once agitated because someone in the town spoke deprecatingly of the Maharshi.
>
>M: I permit him to do so. Let him say even more. Let others follow suit. Just let them leave me alone. If anyone cares to believe those scandalous words, I shall consider it a great service to me, because if he persuades people to think of me as a false swami, they will no longer come to visit me and then I shall be able to have a quiet life. I want to be left alone, therefore I welcome the libelous pamphlet. (He Laughed).
>
>Editor again: Once when the Maharshi was violently harangued by an emissary of Perumal Swami, he listened silently to the whole thing. At the end he said, 'One day I will get up and go away altogether.'
Heh. Surrender. I get tempted to retire every few months, season of the Serpent. Go off and paint somewhere. I have found better balance, spending more time doing art. Someday maybe I will "go away altogether"... I guess we all do, when we die, but for now this work is still fulfilling, and I have time to do art, too.
I do not know if this new list will ever reach the past total of 950 members. I am not sure I would like for it to. I like the cozy intimacy of a smaller group, and I sure do not miss all yahoo's adverts. It kind of reminds me of the early K-list, back on execpc... even the list management system is similar. A smaller group, again, except we all know each other warmly.
As I write this, the new owners of my lists are moving me from owner, to moderator, to member, to unsubbed... the notifications are coming in. Feels strange. Like pieces of me, being gently removed, some kind of surgery. I know it is not permanent, they will add me again when the time is right. It is just interesting, observing the feelings. There is loss, but also freedom. Strange.
I have wanted to have more time for other things, druid and I are shopping for a house these days... my first mortgage! :) Hard work, house shopping is tiring, and moving will be even more so, but it will feel really good to have a not-rented home. Makes my heart warm to think of it.
I also got some inspirations last week, that got me past the writers block I have had with the books I have been working on. Hey, Richard, it was telling you to take notes at the end of our chat, that sparked it! Thanks! I hope you do not mind my sharing...
Richard takes a trip to hell, regularly. His orbit. It always has the same beginning, and I usually remind him of the exact same things to haul him out again. So predictable, he might as well take notes, for next time.
After our chat, I started wondering about what kind of notes on the chat he/you would take, and started composing some in my head. "How you go down the road to hell of good intentions", and "How to find the way out again". In point form. Like a manual.
I recognise your pattern because I used to do the same thing! Get attached to something, get stuck in some astral world and forget how to get out. Finally, kind of wrote myself a manual. Got to thinking about manuals.
What followed was a brainstorm. The difficulty I have had with writing, is trying to string a lot of ideas and email snippets together into a linear book form. Even trying to write from scratch, my mind wanders onto other topics like it is doing in this post, useful stuff but I get frustrated trying to get a chapter back on track.
I realized that what I really wanted, was to give up trying to build bridges between topics, and make a collage of all the bits. I needed to write a manual. Most manuals are not linear, nor do most people read them linearly. They have footnotes and tip boxes and quotes, subheaders and diagrams and reminders and warnings... all kinds of stuff, with a thin thread of linearity of subject, chapter and topic. Absolutely perfect for how I write! I got very excited about this idea, could not sleep and had to write an outline immediately.
I'm starting with an outline, and with learning how to properly use word2000. Format the book for printing, as I go, pasting bits into the appropriate chapters... and one day I'll decide, it is enough (like how one does with a collage) get it proofread and send it off to Trafford publishing. It is a project with no timeline, no deadline... just enjoyment of the art.
I was pondering the list a few months ago, and I did something I have not done, in years.. well, ever. I altered the lighthouse spell. Executive decision. Changed it from a "Need help/advice/information/conversation about K? Get it here!" to more of a "Namaste"... making community "satsangh" the priority, instead of a resource for kundalini emergencies. Love and joy instead of need. It just felt like time.
Even moreso, now. I wonder if the two events were related. Does it matter? No.
Sure, there will still be people asking for help, friends help each other... compassion is invaluable... but I have often thought the real value is simply in the company of like minds. Without the yahoo advertising, we will not be getting so many new members, and instead I would encourage people to share more about what is going on in their lives. Maybe even loosen up the guidelines a little.
I guess it came out of a lot of things, El's death, for one... It hit me very hard, and was demoralizing, and eventually, grounding. My thoughts on that would be an essay, and I think I am not ready to share...
Bob Boyd is now running a website for K. emergency, and there are a few others. The moderators have been talking lately, about how almost anything anyone could want to know, is somewhere in the archives. That the list is redundant, except for the enjoyment of the community, itself.
This place always has a lot of humor and off topic sharing, it is part of its charm. In the beginning, it was the only kundalini resource, and now... it has birthed many children, grandchildren and deserves to rest and smell the roses. Tend to the knitting...
am I making any sense, or just raving fatigued? Feel free to disagree...
We will have to see... with no "web only" option, bandwidth again becomes more critical... but with fewer members, less critical... Kind of neat, this new, cozy little list. Like a living room instead of an ashram or institution.
>but I actually skimmed over most of the hate mail posted at the group for the same reasons, so I didn't really have any personal feelings about the troll. My time is precious now and I don't have time for flame wars.....so instead of getting peeved like I did last time, I just ignored it. Easier to do on a web-only mail though. Not so easy when it shows up in your in-box.
Yup, I still have not read most of it. Skimmed it, is all. Saw some hostility and old, tired projections and accusations that were nothing new to me. He was really not very original.
I certainly did not want empathy with his stuff, which would be inevitable if I gave it much attention.
There was no point in taking on stuff from this guy. He was so sure he was right, he was not going to listen to anyone. No point in putting any energy into it.
I do find myself talking to him in my head, a bit... contemplating how every action is love or a cry for love, wondering if the quality of my love was ... but I am not sure he would recognise love, if it bit him.
He sure must love me a lot, to be so desperate for my attention...;)
I am not sure that ignoring him was the best course of action, someone sent me a link to a psychological profile of trolls that suggested it was best to give trolls some of the attention they seek, or they escalate... which is certainly what happened, here.
The profile also said most trolls suffer from erectile dysfunction and are bedwetters. I admit, that gave me a giggle. Remember what I said about the hostility of frustrated men?
http://www.io.com/~zikzak/troll_thesis.html
In many ways, I am kind of pleased with myself. Years ago, this sort of thing would have really upset me. It would have triggered my ADD resistance reflex, and I'd have had no choice but war. Now... I get occasional impulses to write to him, to smack him or offer pity... but I am so far preferring to deny him my responses.
I am very tired from the work involved. This listserv program came as part of my server package, but it was totally unfamiliar and my previous efforts to learn it had been futile. I had to give myself a crash course in how to run it last night, and finally had a breakthrough in understanding. Once I understood that the mysterious bits of code in the manuals belonged in the middle of the list address, and that some of them would fetch and replace some editable text files that handled everything else, the learning curve got easier.
I am tired, a little frustrated, a little sad, and kind of happy, too. Glad of the support, grateful for the loyal friends who are our fabulous co-moderators and the warmly familiar, beloved names that have become the core of the new K-list. Glad I have grown into someone who can handle this sort of hassle and come out smiling. Thank you Goddess!
Kind of reminds me of how Riversoma felt about his blockage getting surgery. :)
I do not have much energy left for complaining to the various agencies... tho I know it must be done, and I will complete on it. I do not have energy for anger. Mostly. It hits me now and then. Maybe I'll feel differently, once I have gotten some sleep.
I do appreciate other members sending complaints! From my phone conversation today, Yahoo has already made up their minds that I am at fault, they did not have any record of anyone hacking my id, they deleted the list and my profiles for some TOS thing I know I could not have done, and they will not tell me what it was. I know I did nothing, but I cannot prove it. So, might as well surrender to what Is.
I could worry and speculate, but what for? They are not going to bring back the list, my profile, or even give me the member list. My other lists are safe with new owners.
druid suggested I was accused of being a prostitute... That seems likely, given the agenda of the troll. I have been through that before and fought like hell, and doing it again would just be boring. Old news.
Old members know the story: Once upon a time, back in 1996, while I was headed for a vacation, visiting net-friends in the US, I was stopped by the border guards. They accused me of being a prostitute, purveyor of unknown vices, an illegal alien and an unskilled labourer. Turned out, that particular border guard was rather notorious for using those charges to harass women. It took 18 months and over $1500 usd, but I cleared my name. The charges were dropped and I got an apology for the border guards harassment, from the INS prosecutor. His name is Mr. Peck, and he told me to call him if a guard ever harassed me again.
Another time, someone harassed me by email for two years, under 16 different aliases. Impersonating me on the internet and sending out bestiality porn in my name. I am a very patient person, but eventually I reported him to the FBI. Never heard from him again!
Yesterday, I was wanting to sue the fat ass troll! But today, I am too tired to fight. I kind of feel sad for him. I think someone must have a lot of pain inside to act out in this way. Some of his behavior I understand... His projections are transparent, jealousy. He had to write his own testimonials. His textbook understanding of K. is impressive, if erroneous, but I am doubtful that he has had much experience of it, if any. Jealousy, frustration and anger fuels him. What an awful way to live.
> My condolences on the trouble, Mystress. I work phones for an ISP and unfortunately when a customer is suspended for abuse, I'm not allowed to do anything but refer them to legal demands.
What is that?
>It's hard to not be able to help someone who themselves is the victim of service violation. Luckily, yahoo has a more proactive process.
Not much, from what I can tell...
>I'm sorry to hear you feel so miserable, Lavina. I hope you feel better soon.
Yeah, ditto... :) Hugs!
>Adding my three hip hip hoorays to the moderators.
>
>Sabrina
Indeed. They have been working very hard to put things back together.
Well, now maybe I can sleep... thanks for listening.
Blessings...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
List website: http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
List help: k-list-help AT_NOSPAM kundalini-gateway.org
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.