To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/01/10 07:17
Subject: Re: [K-list] the kundalini process and the spaces between
From: Stella Maris Novillo
On 2002/01/10 07:17, Stella Maris Novillo posted thus to the K-list:
>From: Magdalene Meretrix <magdaleneATnospammagdalenemeretrix.com>
>To: <K-list >
>Subject: [K-list] the kundalini process and the spaces between
>Date: Sat, 05 Jan 2002 04:02:50 -0700
>
>I am uncertain, but perhaps I might be experiencing physical manifestations
>of kundalini.
>
>When I was growing up, meditation and hatha yoga were a regular part of my
>family's spiritual practices. About ten years ago, my kundalini rose.
>Although I'd grown up with Hindu teachings (among others), I didn't know
>what kundalini was, nor did I realize until afterwards that I had
>experienced the rising of my kundalini. It occured while I was in the
>forest, meditating. A powerful surge of white-hot energy went shooting up
>from the dirt beneath me, though my body and out the top of my head. It was
>as if a fire hydrant or geyser had turned on. When I described this event
>to others later, I was told that I had experienced the rising of my
>kundalini. I did some research and agreed.
>
>The reason I have only recently begun to wonder if my physical
>manifestations are kundalini related is that I went for approximately five
>years after that kundalini surge with no ill-effects. I heard vague rumors
>that sometimes people have difficulties when their kundalini rises, but I
>felt just fine, so I figured I wasn't one of the people who have
>difficulties. I had been working with directing prana since I was a child
>so I just worked with the kundalini energy as if it were prana and found I
>could move it around in my body, swathe it around my body like a cocoon,
>offer it to others and so on. It felt like working with prana but much
>stronger; prana was like a golden soft wave and kundalini was like a
>thundering breaker.
>
>A year after my kundalini rose, I became pregnant. This surprised me,
>because I'd thought I was infertile until that moment. My life wasn't ready
>for a child, but something kept turning me away whenever I'd look into the
>options of abortion or adoption, so I settled into the idea that I was
>going to be a parent and hired a midwife. The birth experience --
>unmedicated, at home -- was very beautiful and intense, but my daughter
>died the moment the crown of her head touched the air. I felt her leave and
>later my midwife and her assistant both confirmed independently (without
>being specifically asked) that they felt her leave at that precise moment
>as well. I had many dreams and visions afterwards, some very significant,
>with an overall message from my daughter to me that her leaving had been
>the greatest gift she was capable of bestowing on me. That was confusing to
>me, but I accepted it at face value and thanked whomever or whatever my
>daughter was for passing through my life and my body and offering her gift.
>
>The physical problems started three years later, in 1997. It began as
>intense pain in my feet, specifically, my heels. I suspected bone spurs or
>tendon problems, but the doctor said everything was fine. Then it spread to
>my back and grew more and more severe until I thought I'd thrown my back
>out (again, the doctor said there was nothing wrong. Just take it easy and
>it will go away) and at times I couldn't walk and would wake up in the
>middle of the night, screaming in pain.
>
>The pain grew bad enough that I quit work. Symptoms mounted on top of
>symptoms. I couldn't breathe -- at night, I'd wake up because I had stopped
>breathing. I grew so short of breath I could barely walk from the bed to
>the bathroom. I had heart palpitations. I had many headaches and also a
>strange sort of pressure in my head, just behind my temples, right above my
>ears. All my muscles and joints started aching. Some days, I couldn't even
>lift my arms above my head because they hurt too much. My body grew so weak
>that I couldn't open doors to get in and out of stores. The color yellow
>was suddenly too intense; just looking at something bright yellow would
>make me feel nauseous. I couldn't stand up in the shower anymore because
>the sight of the water rushing past me made me so dizzy I'd nearly fall. I
>started having a hard time understanding what people were saying and often
>had to turn the closed captions on on TV in order to be able to follow what
>was going on. Noises got intense. The sound of the computer fan hurt my
>head. A handbell ringing or a child shrieking with delight or outrage were
>so intense I had to cover my ears with my hands to endure the pain. I could
>see fluorescent lights flickering and looking at the computer screen hurt
>my eyes because I could see the refresh-rate of the screen as a continuous
>flicker.
>
>My partner was helpful and empathetic at first, but as the symptoms mounted
>and doctors continued to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, he
>began to use words like hypochondria and psychosomatic. He accused me of
>convincing myself that I was ill by spending too much time reading medical
>information online (chicken and the egg -- I was reading so much medical
>stuff to try to figure out what was wrong with me.) I started to doubt my
>sanity myself and became withdrawn. I stopped leaving the house. I gave up
>on life. As if all this weren't enough, my digestive system went haywire
>and started producing Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Irritable Bladder
>symptoms on top of symptoms of FMS, CFS, asperger's syndrome (yes, I know
>that's something you're born with, not something you develop, but when I
>started relating my symptoms to very similar symptoms I had in pre-school,
>I started wondering if I'd been born with Asperger's, learned to adapt and
>was having some kind of flare-up due to stress), brain tumors, MS and the
>list goes on and on. I finally had to give up and decide that I was just
>plain old sick and I no longer cared what was making me sick and I no
>longer believed anything would make me better. I couldn't walk into a
>laundry soap aisle in the grocery store without having an asthma attack,
>but the doctor tested me for asthma and I was fine. In fact, even though I
>could barely breathe enough to complete a full sentence, testing showed
>that I had *above average* lung capacity and function for a woman my age!
>About a year ago, I spent an entire year with a huge lump in my throat
>constantly. I dind't know if it was heartburn or something else.
>
>It seemed like every part of my body was falling apart at once. My partner
>told me that I was whining and that everyone has exhaustion and pain. My
>partner told me that I was just getting old and that this is what happens
>to people when they get old. I'm not even 35 years old yet! I'm not old --
>or at least not so old that I should be crippled with pain at this age!
>
>The symptoms have eased off. There are still enough reminders that they're
>lurking and waiting. I don't know whether I'll have another flare-up or if
>they'll continue to taper off. I still don't know what was going on, what I
>had (if anything), whether to expect it to return or what. The reason I
>began to wonder about kundalini is that I stumbled across this list of
>symptoms:
>http://members.aol.com/ckress/symptoms.html
>And recognized myself in it.
>
>There are two big reasons why I haven't decided emphatically that this is a
>kundalini process:
>
>1. After five years of trying to figure out what was wrong and leaping from
>self-diagnosis to self-diagnosis, I can't help wondering what good yet
>another self-diagnosis would do (and, of course, how my partner would
>respond if I suggested this to him. He's very esoterically-oriented but he
>grew so tired of my lingering illness and it put so much strain on our
>relationship that I'm not sure I even want to bring the issue up again at
>all.)
>
>2. If this is a kundalini process, what the heck was happening during those
>five years between the rising of my kundalini and the nearly unbearable
>illness? I haven't read any accounts of people who were just fine for years
>after their kundalini rose and then suddenly started in on a crisis process
>years later. What's up with that?
>
>I guess it could be said that yet another reason is, "what good would it do
>me to label this as kundalini?" I'm already spiritually-oriented. I already
>spend a great part of my life focusing on spiritual matters. Calling this
>kundalini wouldn't change that. I suppose this is more a question than a
>reason -- how would it help me to know if this is kundalini? Would it help
>to alleviate the physical suffering? Would it help me to find my way
>through this stage more quickly or more comfortably? Will anything be
>different in my life if I decide that these physical difficulties I've been
>having for the last five years are a result of kundalini?
>
>It may be that I'm having kundalini experiences or it may be that I have a
>fierce case of fibromyalgia and there's no connection between it and the
>rising of my kundalini other than coincidental. It may be that my kundalini
>is levelling out or calming down in some way or it may be that I have a
>medical condition that is in remission right now. I'd appreciate any
>insights from those who have been through similar experiences. Thanks.
>
>Agape,
>M
>
>--
>http://www.magdalenemeretrix.com
>
>"Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
> -- Henry David Thoreau
>
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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