To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/01/28 20:53
Subject: [K-list] A Second Story for Amy
From: Cleocatras
On 2001/01/28 20:53, Cleocatras posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Amy...
silly me, so many boo boo's in that last post, I have corrected them now and
left that post at the bottom here... (reads much better, sorry folks)
The second story might address the other part of the issue you described
about the illness...
This is about Jana, who I actually dated, loved and adored, as a bi-fem
might, and was deeply emotionally involved...which has a lot to do with how
the story unfolds... I was very emotional about this whole matter of her
drinking...
Several months went by, and before I knew it, she was in the hospital, losing
pound after pound, going from 130 pounds down to an emaciated 88 pounds of
bone and on her deathbed.
Her liver was so far gone with liver disease, that she was hallucinating
and/or semiconscious about half the time. The disease had taken over to the
extent that her breath smelled like strong ammonia and was also radiating off
her skin, filling the room like someone had spilled a gallon of it. She could
no longer walk, and could barely move around.
After numerous trips to the hospital and leads on my intuition, I was the
only one to suspect, that even though she said she quit drinking -- that
after all this -- she was **still** sneaking...
I was flooded with tons of emotions... it was impossible it seemed to think
clearly... I was told she had about 30 days left to live...
I of course, was devested... and I was angry, and I decided to pack it all in
so it wasn't showing... I was angry because she was still drinking and no one
really believed it -- she was so convincing, and even had the doctors fooled.
Hallucinating or not, *this* part she knew clearly and even said it clearly
and straight forward to me... like the plan of what she was doing *owned*
her...
She said The Big Lie was to meant to get the job done to finally kill
herself.
The 30-day doctor's countdown began... for the next ten days, I was thrashing
through all the emotions, and finally it just "hit" me to just **believe** in
a plan and visualize it *would* work... (accept only to believe, and know
nothing)
Meditating, it sounded terrible, it looked terrible, it seemed terrible...
but my guts kept saying it was right and maybe the only plan left, since
everyone else had resigned themselves to her dying (all her co-enablers)...
ten days of hell to decide how I was going to deal with this... the count
down of days to live was now down to three weeks...
I decided to allow my anger in front of her... in a small crescendo... and on
the third time in some fit of passion, while in all of her passion for me not
to, I walked out on her with that great final curtain.
Gave it the most drama I could "muster" up... I walked out not knowing if she
would be dead in three weeks... it felt so radical and so calculated, but
part of me said it was okay. The idea occurred to me that I needed to get
her angry enough to "beat out" her resolve to die (resolution to die)... and
this whole notion was so much different than the one in my brother's case, it
confused me when I was drawn to it....
So yes, in the bravest part of loving, in that excruciating act of faith that
she would live... I walked out... Terrified that I would be wrong -- I
quickly bannished that thought that I could be wrong -- and again, with that
deep conviction I set my focus on her living, that finally she would fight
for some more time to live... and quit that sneaky sipping... she was so
angry...
To this day, she hates me for it, and she will never speak to me again.
But, did you hear that? *To this day* !!! ...
She was so mad she kicked some addiction butt!!
Not only did she quit drinking, but on her death bed with only a few weeks
left to go, she had recovered enough to look and seem healthy. I heard a few
months later... and then 6 months after she was *supposed* to be dead, I
heard the, that she gained her weight back and was even having a baby!!!!
<excuse me> I personally believe miracles can happen as often as you can
(strongly) imagine them!!!
And what I am really saying most of all, is,
as far gone as she was - she still did pull out of it.
So dont give in to it -- unless more than the world tells you that is what
you should do...
Blessings,
Cat
previous post corrected-
The spirit of wanting to help can be so powerful, but to separate yourself
from it, and make a clear decision is more and more treacherous as you love a
person, remember "projected" love? It does not always allow you to be
impartial.
However, because you don't love "unimpartially" it allows you to also to know
more than anyone what to do, but it is buried deep, like it would be under a
thick blanket. Somewhere, in your subconscious self, in your DNA, is your
father, too. You will have to completely pull away to complete impartiality
and then you might discover in your mind's eye the very best thing for him...
and even then, you wont be certain. This you have to know -- how much
responsibility you might have, to make a strong decision. You can only do
your personal best, and I realize it is yours to do as he should be declared
incompetent under your inherited right and guidance.
A competency hearing would allow you to place him in an environment where no
alcohol is available. That does not mean you will win the "battle", but
perhaps save his life for a small duration. If it makes him extremely angry,
that is the will that he needs to survive. The gift you can give him as part
of being in the here and now and of wanting to be alive. Anger does that.
I have had three people that did or almost did die through alcohol addiction.
One was sheer Goddess work: I was just starting off in the wee hours on my
sales job in the ice and snow, and in the frost of my windshield, I saw the
image of my brother "flippin' the bird" and driving off the Mississippi River
Bridge, 180 miles away. He was a homeless alcoholic at the time, and I hadn't
returned home to see him in my hometown for months... I smeared away the
frost of the picture and kept driving... it appeared again a few minutes
later, so I turned the car around.
I grabbed some clothes and called the veterans administration to find the
nearest rehab center, which was another 80 miles beyond where I was headed...
they kept insisting on an appointment time I didn't even know what I was
doing calling over pictures in frost on my windshield to begin with!! So, I
decided to just give her a time... (I get it now.. it was meant for me to
create the thought in my mind that I would find my brother and get him there
- although I did not realize that way back then...)
I set off and drove 180 miles back home, not having any idea what I was
doing, or what would happen next, thinking I must have a screw loose to act
so radically against what my world says about some silly frosty windshield...
but in a strong faith that I was being led by that carrot, I went. This was
not the first time I had to recognize that carrot and just believe. The image
on the windshield could have only come from one place, I kept thinking,
verbalizing my gratitude the entire way...
I arrived via my secret key no one knew I had, and snuck into my Dad's house
where no one was home. I was not at all expected, quite the contrary, I was
not likely to ever go there again, but there I was... nor had my brother even
been seen for months after burning all his "bridges"<hint, and getting kicked
out of every place he could live, he was out on the street homeless for
months by then.
Before I could close the door, the phone was ringing. When I answered, some
hysterical woman was screaming out my name, and finally that my brother was
next to her with a gun pointed at his head, ready to pull the trigger. He had
had enough.
"Ask him if he will say goodbye to his sister, before he leaves us", I said.
Like those who rush in an emergency, I threw the top of my head wide open
like a huge old treasure trunk, and reached for that light before I said the
next things... I wont repeat them just now, because I was in a half dream
state, I know I wont get them repeated perfectly like they deserve...
All I can say is, I managed to get him to come to me and get into my car. The
drive to the VA rehab was -- one minute, he was jumping out, and the next
hugging me in tears. My feeling like my "envisioning" paired with my strong
will was keeping him in that car. The feeling was so strong, I could barely
see the road because it was intensely intoxicating. Another 80 miles going,
and I finally, out of sheer desperation, made a conscious decision that I was
actually activating *something*. (don't ask me if I really believed it - only
that I committed myself to believing it)
So I took my impassioned (didn't feel I had a choice but to believe) vision
into an even greater depth (or level) of conviction of what this energy
seemed to be all about. And in the middle of my brother's turbulence, planted
the palm of my hand firmly on his forehead. And then, with a feeling like I
was in a live-dream, sucked the energy right out of him into the tickling
part of the palm of my hand, rolled it up in a tight little ball, and then
threw it to a cow. (I was traveling in farm country Iowa)
What a silly notion, I thought...
My brother was immediately peaceful. Zoned in a stupor and quiet. The whole
ordeal felt timeless. I had told the crisis unit clerk, who had insisted on
the appointment time, that I would be there at 1am -- which was 19 hours from
the time she asked me that. When we stood at the counter and the clerk asked,
"What time was your intake appointment?" I had never seen a watch since the
time I started off, some 240 miles away 19 hours before. "1am" I said, and
then... I saw the clock... it was 1:02 am.
My brother went into a locked rehab facility. They put him on anti-buse after
he had been there a few weeks and shortly after, he left. He has never had a
drink in his life since. This happened in 1982.
*Only here* could I tell my true story through my own perception of it like
this. The biggest battle was not my brother at all, but within myself to
believe it was what it seemed to be. I still don't know if it was, but I
decided I had my brother's life to lose if I didn't believe it, because he
would be jumping out of the car onto the interstate.
Be "mindful" what your mind can create... and never let your worldly self
override Goddess's miracles - I believe now, that they are everywhere if only
you just say they are with the greatest "conviction", and let go of your
"worldly" vision (eyesight) in order to see them. It is never over, 'til its
over... and even *then* ... you can "travel" back...
Like that "Big V"... maybe its only an invisible gummy label and you just
have to invision it well enough to just peel it off the person's forehead and
it is gone. We are all energy, remember? (he he, where's the vacuum?)
I do not think it is a good idea to decide its over with your father. I would
totally avoid that thought -- with every cell in my body -- and then envision
all the things he has yet to be doing... maybe even bring them to vivid
conversation, in future tense and "with the deepest conviction"... take it
for granted. (with gratitude, of course) I do not believe I would have been
given the vision if I was not able and supposed to do it. For me, it was
absolute proof of God/dess, and for this I will always be grateful --
now have your Dad stick *that* one under his hatATnospamATnospamATnospam!
Cat (in the hat)
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