To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/07/04 16:33
Subject: [K-list] Moving Out
From: Ckress
On 2000/07/04 16:33, Ckress posted thus to the K-list:
Woowee, K-list is blazin' hot today! Synchronistic fireworks for the 4th of
July, the US celebration of Independence Day.
Angelique, you seem exceptionally luminous and serene after your trip. Glad
you made it back to us. I love you. I didn't always; had to wrestle my way
to you. Long time back, you were what is revered by warriors as "a worthy
opponent." You met me at my own level; few people can. We taught each other
some good moves; both got thrown a few times; both got right back up; bowed
to each other: Namaste'. There are warriors with heart and fighters who
thrill at the spilling of blood. You are the former: Warrior Queen of
Hearts. How could I not love you, kindred sister?
Those who haven't been around here as long as I have may not know that I've
been on the K-list since it's inception. The original K-list, which this
list evolved from, started when a member of Shared Transformation "Friends
Online" (Richard Satin) decided to create a K-support mail list.
Shared Transformation was a K-support networking and info site my husband and
I put together in '95, in conjunction with Bill Peay's Kundalini Research
Center (KRC). Back then, our site and Bill's site were the first
peer-support K resources on the Internet. Our Shared Transformation site was
an extension of Shared Transformation newsletters, which we began publishing
in '93. At that time, to our knowledge, we and an organization in Denmark
were the only two in the world which were publishing K personal experience
stories and ecumenical, multi-tradition K info.
The idea for the newsletter came to me after my K had awakened and I had met
a few others with risen K. The isolation and social alienation we each had
felt before finding one another made me realize there must be more of us "out
there" who needed each other's companionship and support. At that time (and
to this day, for many K-ites who haven't discovered the Internet), people
with extreme K experiences were "underdogs" in a culture that couldn't
understand them and often persecuted those whose experiences and perceptions
soared beyond mainstream, consensual reality boundaries.
It was the part of me that champions the underdog and defies the status quo
that impelled me to start publishing Shared Transformation. The earliest
personal experience K stories were all my own. I didn't know if we would
reach anyone else experiencing K (with our teensy budget, all we could afford
were small classified ads in the back of Spiritual and Holistic
publications). And even if we did, I wondered if my personal K experiences
were so weird that our readers would think I was crazy. Then the number of
subscribers started to climb, and letters expressing gratitude started
pouring in. I still receive letters of thanks; we have hundreds of them.
Although we no longer publish Shared Transformation newsletters, we still
receive orders for the back issues and I get emails from people who have just
discovered our site. They tell me their K stories, full of joy and
excitement to have found someone who understands. I often recommend that
they join this list (or the SacredKundalini list) and some of them do.
We all have unique combinations of abilities, gifts, talents and
contributions we make to the whole. I've been an underdog on many levels, in
many ways, throughout my life. This is partly why I'm so sensitive to people
being denied a place at the table just because they don't belong to the
privileged majority.
I have another talent which is harder to own. I see things that aren't
supposed to be seen and I say things that aren't supposed to be said.
Articulating these hidden, silent things is a deeper level of championing the
underdog. To give voice to forbidden, imperceived or unconscious thoughts
and feelings requires a warrior's courage, endurance, and often, aggression.
Without this, one could not stand against the tide of popular ideas and
acceptable behavior long enough to speak.
I'm obviously not an archetypal hero come to revolutionize the world. I'm a
human being with my own mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses, lights and
shadows. But my nature and my calling gear me to rock the boat a lot, which
doesn't always endear me to people. This brings me round to where I am now,
here, on the K-list. I've witnessed this list go through many upheavals and
civil wars. On occasion the list splits into teams, each side trying to
prevail over the other in its point of view. And sometimes, like now, a
single person is put before the firing line. The person singled out for this
honor has done something or said something to provoke the fury of the group.
It doesn't take much to be on the wrong end of the rifle scopes. Isadora
said her husband sold insurance. Bang bang bang. I break more unspoken
rules here than anyone else, so in that sense, I've got it coming far more
than she did. I still think she got a raw deal for her crime of having a
mainstream outlook on life, but I've already given my rant on that.
One rule I break is that I don't always play nice AND I admit it. There are
plenty of people who break the "be nice" rule, but they rarely confess that
they're doing so. Few here have never broken it. Sweet and gentle Hillary
is one exception; Percyval has an almost unbroken record (LOL). There are
some others...
I'm unusually honest about who and how I am, which makes me an immediate
target for people who aren't. All the folks tripping over themselves for a
chunk of the list spotlight aren't "hams" like me, because they never
admitted that they were. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Not just here. That's an in-the-world rule. A good training rule for the
soul. I've learned to check my heart before opening my mouth, and do my best
to say even the things said in jest with integrity.
By the way, Lou, the allegedly devastating thread you mentioned that was so
mean to Mia was begun by Mia herself. I had made a crack in a previous post
that messages to the list lacking in fuzzy warmth should be prefaced with
"Mia beware" warnings. Mia found that really funny so she responded with a
post with her own chosen subject line: "Mia Beware... LOLOL". Check the
archives.
Yep, tons of projection hitting the fan. And the usual catch-22 tactics of
gang attack, followed by accusing the victims of hostile, paranoid delusion
when they try to defend themselves. Oops, did I say "victim"? We all know
there are no victims, silly me. I meant to say "the vile person who deserves
being attacked." Which isn't really attack because good spiritual people
never attack anyone, they merely point out the ways in which the vile person
is completely wrong, defective, pathetic, disgusting and worst of all, a
blubbering bad-tempered cry baby who mistakenly believes they're being picked
on.
Invigorating list lynchings end in one of two ways. The vile person gains
some on-list friends who speak strongly in his/her behalf, which then turns
into a civil war. The war eventually either loses steam and fades out on its
own, or Mystress steps in and makes everyone sign a truce. The other way the
lynchings end are when the vile person fights against all odds until
exhausted. Then they disappear from the list... sometimes resurfacing to
post much later, sometimes never to be heard from again. I've never seen
anyone withstand a group attack without a very strong (or several strong)
supporters standing by their side. You want to talk games: that's the game.
I may be the victim -- I mean, vile person -- of the week, but I'm no
innocent. Yeah, I have a childish streak. What makes me different from my
attackers on that account is that I am not ashamed of it, so I have no need
to deny it. I'm no more bitter than Kath, no less mature than Lobster, no
more confrontational than Jag, no less loving than Wim, no more masked or an
actor than anyone else who posts here. Sure, I feel angry. Never saw an
attack target who didn't, even though some insist that they aren't while
taking fang-teethed bites at their opponents. And I'm hurt too. What hurts
isn't having people who obviously never liked me trying to bring me down.
But it hurts that most of my ostensible off-list supporters have remained
silent throughout this siege. Now that I could really use a friend to stand
on list beside me, where are the all people who through the years have told
me how much they appreciated my posts? (A few have given me private support
this time too, but I needed them on-list most of all.)
By saying that, I'm acutely aware that I just alienated more people. Telling
the truth gets you into so much trouble, which is why few people dare do it.
To be fair, I seem to have an uncanny ability to simultaneously appear weaker
than I am to my enemies, and stronger than I am to my friends, who think I'm
managing just swell on my own. More to both my fault and credit, I don't ask
for help. So my friends don't come to my rescue and my enemies figure I'm an
easy target.
I am under no illusion that poor me is the object of hatred from all 375
members (or however many are aboard now) of the K-list. Most of the members
are silent. Who knows how they feel? There is just a small vocal faction
after me, each for their own who-knows reasons. I've been more defensive
than confrontational lately, although trying to keep up this Bruce Lee
survivor routine may be making me too edgy. Holly, I think you're wonderful
and I don't know what possessed me to take a swipe at your recent post,
except it felt like you were coming at me too. Now, I'm not sure.
Doesn't matter. On a deeper level, what's going on here, from my side of it,
is a mix of karma and timing. Karma: I've done my share of stomping here,
mostly stomping at what I felt were hurtful or sometimes simply idiotic
ideas. But I've gone overboard at times too. I still feel remorse for
jumping on Christopher Winter. He was simply spouting whatever it is he
spouts, harming no one, when in a fit of frustration at irrelevant abstract
esoterica in general, I lampooned his post. The list loved it. I was
roundly applauded and Chris was very hurt. I still feel like a maggot for
doing it to him. I apologized soon thereafter (and was criticized for THAT
by other list members). Dirty trick when the clown scolds you for laughing
at her antics. My bad again. It was my fault that the group sided against
him; my lampoon was unfortunately hilarious -- one of my comedic milestones.
Postscript: Chris never recovered from it and rarely posts here any more.
So, peccavi, I deserve to be "hit", shot down, whatever, but not for any of
the reasons being thrown at me. And beyond the blame-you, blame-me stuff,
I've been pouring out too much of my energy here. Goddess keeps giving me
signs that I'm needed elsewhere. Time for me to really "move on," as the
thread has been suggesting. I don't know if I'm taking a vacation from the
K-list or vacating permanently. I'll see where the Spirit leads me.
I have come to love so many of you as family. Wim is like an annoying
brother who bops me around sometimes; I do likewise to him. Many of those
who speak on list are dear to me. Maureen, Percyval, Hillary, Jerry, Lynda,
Rob, Jill, Harsha, Lou, Am, John, Kaura, Michael, Froggy Jacques, Kathy,
Augustin, Sharon, Paul (I pray all goes well with your surgery and healing)
-- I will forever treasure your friendship. (And I am doubtless omitting
names of beautiful souls here that have offered me kind words and love...
Please forgive my atrocious memory.)
I'll remain subscribed for awhile but I won't post to the list again. I'll
soon turn off my list email so I won't be lurking either, but I'll lurk for a
day or so to allow those who just have to get the last word to throw a few
more darts in my direction. And in the time it has taken me to write this --
and the time it may take for it to be posted on the list after I send it --
if a knight in shining armor or a warrior goddess has enlisted in the cause
of "save the El," I throw you garlands of roses and my most humble gratitude.
I'm still going; it's time, but I will carry your love in my heart always.
El
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