To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/12/09 13:12
Subject: Re: [K-list]Endorphins, Samadhi and Energy.
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 1999/12/09 13:12, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 04:49 PM 12/7/99 , Maureen Heffernan wrote:
>~~*+M~*
> Thx for the great response. Lots to think about.
> Is Holy Spirit outside space/time? How does prana enter the body?Or
>air? Sometimes one takes in more air and sometimes not.
>Mystress Angelique Serpent wrote:
Sometimes when I am doing ecstacy sex, I don't need to breathe for a while.
Breathing is an un-necessary distraction from focusing on bliss. I can only
guess that the energy incoming is morphing into oxygen directly..
>> So, it is possible that there is a belief in you that causes fuzziness
>> and limits perception of Spirit in some activities?
>~~*+M~*
> Sure. I have much to learn.
The thousand petaled lotus keeps opening infinitely.. as above, so below.
> Where do you
>> think they got the idea to make you kneel on gravel to say the rosary?
>~~*+M~*
> I believed it to be because they didn't hit us and it was their only
>way to make their point that they were really sick and tired of my
>bedwetting.
ah so.. poor you.. Q: When God showed up, did he cure the bedwetting?
>> is more possible that your belief that Spirit is *outside* of you keeps you
>> from seeing Divine mercy in God-dess
>~~*+M~*
> No, I do not claim to be a clever one, but rather still learning.I
>look at the wording, "the Descent of the Holy Spirit", the descent. I
>interpet it to mean something that comes down. I have felt IT more and
>also less just as more air can enter me or less.
I have felt it descend too, but I think there comes a time when it just
Is.. rooted in the vessel.
>> A doorway that an angry little girl slammed shut.
>> I'm just speculating, or course. Feel free to tell me I'm mistaken. :)
>~~*+M~*
> No, you have very good perception. I just don't explain myself as well
>as I could.Angry, oh yeah. Slamming doors shut? To Spirit, never for
>these occurrences were the very things that opened up the siddhas,did I
>use that correctly, the psychic powers , at a very early age.
YES~!! yes yes yes.. cracked you open like a nut, into greater
awareness. Goddess provides. Perfection Is. From the dark underground the
seeds of inspiration grow towards the light.
The nuns whipped themselves because it prepared them to be receptive.
Freda's agony prepared her to be receptive. It is easier to connect to
spirit when you are already blissing on your own biochemisty, and that
usually happens coz God has arranged for life to spank you.
It works, and you are the proof... but it's not fun when it happens as
abuse to a child. As a game, with folks who are going in with eyes open, it
is very different.
>> Again.. clean and pure suggest a polarity of judgments about what is
>> not clean and pure.. who made those judgments, and when? Just curious...
>~~*+M~*
> I did. For how else can I explain that kind of JOY? How can I explain
>the love I felt when there is no love on earth like it? Beyond , beyond?
>I have experienced many different forms of earthly love and joy. I can
>only write beyond, beyond.
I understand about beyond, I tried for 3 years to get back "up there" in
the light, and now I am a tour guide... but it is also here and now.
Hidden.
> Would I use the opposite, dirty and impure? <......>
>Any even innocent little nagging feeling that I had ever had in all my
>years was taken out from me and then the glorious filling up that took
>place. Something descended and filled in those places that were emptied.
I understand that.. but what I don't understand is that if time and
space do not exist then the experience of descent must be experiential...
What of those who experience it as the Buddha-nature? Do they experience a
descent, or an opening? How much do paradigms/beliefs of descent and
ascent affect perceptions of Spirit?
I named druid for my perception of his spirit guides, who appeared to me
as a council of Druids. They are very hard to talk to, because they are
beyond paradigms, and unwilling to buy into any of ours for the purposes of
explaining reality. Not surpisingly, druid the Engineer thinks life is for
living, not for talking about..:) I like Engineers, I collect them.
Anyhow, the story of druid's samadhi while I did a crystal layout on him
with some laser light work by Chacmool, is at
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/druid.htm but since you cannot
access my site I'll quote it here:
>Sun, 10 Nov 1996
> First, some background. About a month ago, I was trying to
>establish the relationship between the tiny but infinite "white light"
>I see inside myself, and the "universal" White Light that I've been
>taught to "attach" to, to draw energy from. Drawing from Mistress'
>power so that I could "access" my Council of Druids, I asked them the
>question. They were confused by it. "It's the same thing!" So I was
>left with trying to live with the apparent paradox of "External Energy
>is the Same Thing as Internal Energy".
>
> Now, last night. I was experiencing Mistress' meteorite glass. Of
>course, it has a very different energy than other crystals. Others are
>"attached" to the Earth(/Gaia), and of course this piece is not of the
>earth, so it is "space-bound". I allowed myself to ride along with
>what it was showing me. I saw mainly utter blackness (after all,
>that's what most of "outer space" is), but got the impression that
>this void as a LONG WAY from earth.
> Then, Mistress began to add more crystals. Once again, Her
>considerable energy allowed the Council of Druids to access me. At
>this point, it gets hard to explain "who's doing what", because, as I
>found out mere moments later, the energy in the Druids, the crystals,
>and even in Mistress, are all the same thing. The appearance of power
>(as in Mistress) results from the ability to access that universal
>energy (which She does very well!)
> Basically, the Druids were using the crystals to channel Mistress'
>energy to me to allow them to "re-make me from scratch" (they seemed
>quite fastinated by their work). It went like this:
> I started by seeing the "big-bang" - the point when the entire
>universe was a single event of energy. Then, the stars/galaxies/
>planets began to "spin off". But unlike the "Physics 101" version, the
>original energy was NOT diluted as is "split off" - the entire energy
>of that first instance was in every star, every planet...
> Also, since time is not real, I
>realized that that first universal outpouring of energy, that "big
>bang", exists RIGHT NOW.
> Then, as I began to understand how this "Universal Energy" was in
>all things in the universe, it entered my body. The same energy that
>was the "Big Bang" came in my feet and up my body in one huge KA-BANG!
>Needless to say, the resulting jolt knocked most of the crystals
>off. I understood that in that split-second, my essence had been
>"rebuilt" from the Universal Energy, just as it always was.
> Mistress was asking me about DNA helixes, but I didn't really see
>that in this experience. I saw events in "pure energy", with little or
>no attachements to physical reality. I noted that my body is just an
>"interface" between my Real Self and this rather insignificant plane
>we seem to think is so important.
> Well, that was it. I spent quite a while trying to adjust my
>physical body to the new inner self, and trying to take in and
>understand all that I experienced. The experience still blows me away
>- WOW! The energy in that room that night was incredible.
So there it is.. guidance keeps telling him that there is no
separation between inside and outside energy, but he still felt energy
incoming, perceptually.
He had his eyes shut, so he did not see what caused the explosion, but
Chacmool had directed me to hold a crystal like a laser a few inches above
his body, and run it slowly without touching him, up from his feet to his
head, like I was cutting him in half, and as I did a ripple tremble
followed, moving up thru him following my laser.
> I want to use all filters and all avenues of
>perception, but when I write of such things I know in my own mind that
>these are not endorphin stuff. Is this clearer? Am I making some sort of
>sense?
Sure. not all spiritual experiences are born of endorphins, nobody
said they were. I wasn't torturing druid to get him into that headspace, I
was doing a crystal layout.
>The sadistic actions of the Romans,
>> were aligned with Divine Will, because they were needful to create a
>> resurrection.
>~~*+M~*
> This I know and recall writing in another post that I nod to *them*,
>bugaboos in acknowledging there purpose in the grand scheme of things.
So what are they? If God created them and they are acting in accordance
with Divine Will then they are God also, yes? The Nuns with the gravel
were God also..
>~~*+M~*
> If it is asked from the Christ that I unite my suffering with His ,I
>will indeed and have done so. But I will not play with my endorphins for
>a high.
LOL!! Well, Ok, you don't have to.. :) But ... Why not? If God provided
endorphins via nasty Nuns to crack your nut the first time, and you want to
learn and grow, why not see if they will crack your nut open even wider
without the nasty Nuns?
>> God is a sadist who makes little girls kneel on gravel is an
>> unacceptable thought, so up went a wall. Separation.
>~~*+M~*
> G*d was the one afterward when it was over and I was sitting quietly
>on my bed, who came to me and enveloped me and gave me more strength to
>endure. As a little girl G*d was the opposite of the people who made me
>do that. Do you see?(The little girls perception.)
Yes, and as a little girl visiting my future enlightened self's adult
body, with it's oddly silent mind, bullwhipping did to seem Divine to me
either... seemed nasty cruel like Dad's yardstick spankings.
But I am not a little girl, and you are not, either. We are wise women
who know that the Light must have shadows to show form.
>I had the endorphin
>stuff while kneeling. This was later and different. Delayed release? God
>= a delayed release?
Pain endorphins give a buzz that lasts 3 days to a week, depending on
the length and intensity of the sensations, among other factors. You were
self-conscious while kneeling.. When you were in private, and you could
relax and drop the ego mask you wore around other people, Spirit was there.
I'm not saying endorphins are a path by themselves, if they were every
marathon runner in the world would be a Buddha.. but, they do create an
altered state that tremendously enhances receptivity to spirit, and promote
a sense of wellbeing that is good for self esteem. That is why excercise is
part of the therapy for depression.
When you are in that state of wellbeing, there is not the fear that makes
you want to hang onto attachments. Much of the pain of living has been
anaestetised, so it is easier to go with the flow.
Emotional release *after* a session is very very common, even in the
non-spiritual BDSM scene. Aftercare is important, hugs and reassurances of
love, bringing folks who have gone to a very vulnerable place, gently back
down to Earth.
>I don't know. I know you wrote of the wolf chewing
>the leg off. I know at a very early age I snapped and had to *get out of
>there* and couldn't. It was years later when I heard a song that I
>remembered picking up a hairbrush and brushing my arm quite firmly while
>singing that song over and over and over as the salavia ran down my
>mouth and my arm bled. I left. I wouldn't call it an OBE as I had no
>awareness. My brain snapped and I left into nothingness for I don't know
>how long.
Sigh.. my compassion goes out to the girl you were.. but looking at it
with detachment, it also sounds a little like some of the descriptions of
Samadhi that are being tossed around the list, eh?
Your mind went off to the void, hypnotised by repetition of singing, and
your body *self-medicated* until it was a fit place to live in, again.
Instinct. The intelligence of the body is a trillion times that of the
intellect. When intellect folded under pressure, the body-mind stepped in,
and gave you exactly what you needed, to survive. You picked up a
hairbrush, not a blade or a club, you didn't start banging your head or
jump out a window.. hairbrushes are a great way to provoke endorphins, I've
got a bunch of them in my toybox.. also bottle brushes, horsebrushes, etc..
you drew blood, but human skin is amazinglytough stuff, you could not
seriously harm yourself unless it got infected, and endorphin-injuries
rarely do. Dunno why..
Again, that corny poem, "footstep in the sand".. when you think Spirit is
not there, it is carrying you..
Who are you, when you are not there?
> I,,,,,chewed my leg off.
Yes, and it worked.
You felt like you would die in a trap, but instead a breaker switch
flipped and you were set free from the body while it went about the task of
medicating itself, with a hairbrush. Goddess, nature's wondrous design
provided endorphins to free you from the worst of the emotional wreckage..
soothe pain in your body and you survived. Merciful anaestesia, so
complete, even the memory of it did not return till you were older, and
able to handle knowing about Goddess' rough emergency surgery on your
psyche.
I often say, "Goddess won't give you more than you can handle".. that is
why. Because She gives us a built in emergency switch.. Panic button
ejection seat yanked you out of there, emotionally, when things got to be
more than you could handle, while autopilot stabilized the vessel, with
better medication than any psyche ward could provide. Mercy sheilded the
event itself, from memory. Boxed it up and sent it forward thru time, for
an older wiser you to ponder, when the time was right.
Goddess provides. You don't always get what you want, but you get what
you need.
The mercy of the Goddess is not always appearing so pure and pretty as a
rainbow.. it is hidden, like the light underground itself. You have to dig
in the dark for it, like a miner seeking jewels.
Sometimes Nature's mercy is as dark a gift as giving really weak hearts
to rabbits, so they "give up the ghost" and die of fear on feeling the
breath of the Fox, before it's jaws close on them and they are torn to
pieces. Animal testing issues aside, rabbits don't suffer much, in nature,
even tho they are prey for everything. They don't suffer coz Goddess gave
them a breaker switch: they are made to die quickly of heart attack.
It's the mercy that comes of surrender, when you stop fighting. When you
hit your limits. Christ hit his limits and cried out that he felt God had
forsaken him, and immediately recieved the blessing of dying (and/or going
into suspended animation.. the stillness.. ) before the Romans came along
to break his legs. He "safeworded" and the game was over.
>Children are not supposed to know of
>such things. Minds were not meant to be snapped that far, that early in
>life.
sigh.. we'd like to think so, but the breaker switches exist, so the
possibility that shit happens was provided for, built into the system like
a Mercedes has airbags. So we can survive the crashes.
>Actually I am quite proficient
>at it. I am long done with the anger and if had to relive it again to be
>where I am at today would so do the same.His/Her Will be done. We are
>not altogether too unalike.
No, we are not.. :)
>> I still think the difference in our experience is skypath vs. earthpath.
>~~*+M~*
> I am also studying this more deeply as it explains quite a bit. Good
>concept.
I find it interesting.. tho as I say, the course I am writing, like
the Grounding, is really a middle path.. Earth and sky both. Balance.
>> About a year or two after the wart burning incident, around 1990, I set
>> aside my ego in an act of desperation, knocked on a door that opened, and
>> went into the Light, with the classic K. experience of vibrations and
>> dazzling light and angelic presences.. a trip to Heaven.
>> (Dunno the Eastern term for it..)
>~~*+M~*
> Can't say as I've been to Heaven yet but I feel I would die for
>another encounter of what I was graced with before.
I suspect it was a similar experience, but we describe it differently.
The light/love was too bright for me to *see* anything, I knew it was
brighter and vaster than I could comprehend, and I felt loving presences,..
infinite presences, but only a few of them had an interest, in me. The love
was memorable. :) :)
When I do the Elysian Mystery, with a student, the portal at the center
of Hades takes the seeker into that Light.. sometimes they meet departed
beloveds. The starry void is one level higher, and there they become All
that Is.
Hard to explain, it is different every time, a reflection of the
student.
>> roleplay the abuser of the abuses I'd suffered and a number of very
>> creative new ones I'd never thought of... and learn to see the light in it.
>~~*+M~*
> I understand this. As you say *roleplay*. I could never do for real
>to another what was done.
No, nor could I. There are a lot of things I cannot do, in roleplay,
either.. I turn down way more clients and slaves than I accept.
>> So, Maureen, I can appreciate your insistence that endorphins and
>> Spirit is Separate.. I used to think so, too, when I was on a sky-path.
>~~*+M~*
> I'll have to go back and dig up that url because I see that as a
>chemical change in the brain and that;s all.And I recall a
>sentence,*when I go I will send The Paraclete, The Comforter to you to
>remind you, so that you can remeber all I have taught you.*
YES!! I think I get it.. the comfort is the endorphin, from the body,
and it helps you get into a blissful state to remember the Self.. Spirit.
Who you really are, outside of the illusion. First comes comfort then
memory.. one then the other, if it is done in a spiritual context.
>Now I know
>endorphin release was around a long time before these words of the
>Master, so I wonder what He speaks of. Just men's words written in a
>book? But yet, I experienced something.
God-dess designed your biochemistry, with infinite perfection. Every
part of your body has multiple uses, like your mouth is for talking and
eating and barfing and kissing. Sex and endorphins, are a survival
mechanism, *and* a path to trancendence. Sky-path is mostly OBE.. denying
the body and looking outside of it for the light. Earth path seeks to find
the Divine perfection in body-wisdom and instincts. We are made in the image.
As you describe it, the love of the Holy Spirit is *not* unconditional.
It is felt under some conditions and in other situations it is not felt.
Depends on what condition your condition is in.. ??
The love of Goddess is unconditional, it is always there, providing
whatever is needed, whether we recognise it hidden in the spankings, or not.
>>but if you
>> understand the loop, then when you take on somebody else's blockages and
>> get cut off from the higher chakras wisdom, you can dive into the center of
>> the Earth to clear them... or into your own heart.
>~~*+M~*
> Or into the Sacred Heart?
It is the same..
>> I am not sure if I am putting this well into words, I trust Shakti to
>> carry the message so you can grok it.
>~~*+M~*
> Wonderful job. There's a LOT here.
:) Thankyou!!
>> To enter Eden (heaven on Earth) one must pass under the fiery sword,
>> and be without fear.. that means fearing Lucifer is a no-go. When one can
>> attain unconditional love for Lucifer, who is acting as ever in service to
>> Divine Will by manifesting as the portal Guardian reflecting our own
>> unforgiven Karma, then one passes into Eden, and there is trancendence of
>> separation between spirit and self.
>~~*+M~*
> Will it surprise you to know that years ago I was in great empathy
>with him and prayed for him. I understand.
Ah... well, mind if I ask you to clarify?
Many Christians pray for Lucifer to be "Saved".. which is not what this
is about. This is the Earth path of seeing perfection in what Is, and
trusting that where we don't see perfection/spirit is where our perceptions
are clouded. From that perspective, wanting the Lion to lie down with the
Lamb is not trusting that God-dess got it right, the first time when Nature
was designed.
The Shamanic experience of the Portal Guardian, is *becoming* Lucifer..
When I said to my Priestess that I'm a slave in Heaven except when Goddess
calls me to play King of Hell/Hades/the underworld of the collective, and
escort a lost traveller, into the light, I was not joking.
(To clarify, so as not to scare people, I am not referring to the
Christian Devil. I'm referring to Archangel Lucifer, a being of
unconditional love who outranks Archangel Michael, in the angelic
hierarchies, who in Shamanic terms is called the Portal Guardian. The
Teacher. I'm *not* talking about "Satan Prince of Evil", whom I don't
believe in.. I'm not a Satanist, there is no evil, there is only humans
acting out of fear. Daemon is latin for "inner self". )
Lucifer trained me, to be a Domina. I did not know who he was, at first,
I called him Armand... Lately I have been calling him "Alpha Wolf". ;)
I learned to *be him* in session, reflecting my client's fears to scare
the crap out of them like they wanted me to. He scares my slaves too, tho
he shows up seldom these days, but they love him as passionately as I do,
because he has taught them so much, with his unwillingness to suffer fools
gladly. :)
Lucifer as a teacher is very much like how Yogananda describes Shri
Yukteshwar, whom Amanda mentioned recently. Yukteshwar was a harsh teacher,
he had some students who could not take it, and ran away from his sharp
tongue and swishing cane, to find a gentler teacher. Yet he was all love,
and students like Yogananda who could see the love in his actions, thrived
on it and became enlightened.
Lucifer is not "nice". He is like the eye in your asshole Christoper
described, that makes you stare at your own shit till flowers of wisdom
sprout out of it.
Michael is compassion, Lucifer is unconditional love that reflects back
the Karma and fears of the individual, so they can be released.
Unconditional love doesn't judge, but in this form, it reflects.. the
Zen Master's cane. A gift of endorphins to a stuck person, to get them into
a detached state where they can get unstuck. Hard to see the light in it,
from the outside, but graititude transforms the experience.
You know from your own experience, Spiritual insights are often
preceeded by stress and crisis. NDE causes awakening. Necessity is the
Mother of Invention, and crisis inspires. A survey of how many folks on
the list were awakened by crisis, would probably yield a high percentage.
The body doesn't know the difference between real and roleplay.. it only
knows that beliefs create reality. The body is wiser than the mind. ;)
Suck on an imaginary lemon, the body reacts.
So, it is an act of love to roleplay Lucifer and create an *artificial*
crisis to reap genuine insights, instead of letting the uncleared Karma
pile up to create Real-life crises. I become a reflection of what is
uncleared in the student, and when I do it I am usually not aware of
myself, at all. My whole focus is on other.
My Shamanic work in that kind of roleplay, is in becoming the scary
Portal Guardian Monster whose training began in my earliest childhood
nightmares, ..a side effect of watching my third eye glowing, to fall asleep.
The Portal Guardian is the Brightest Angel, who is unblemished and
beyond duality. When he comes down to the Earth plane, he remains
unpolarized, so to exist in reality-space he shows up as the opposite:
deepest shadow, but that shadow is not his true nature, it is our own
shadow he reflects, in the Ugly mirror so we may learn unconditional love,
for our own selves, and have it to share around. :)
He feels cruel, because he is not compassionate.. compassion requires
judgment, empathy.. he does not buy into our beliefs in our own
helplessness, he only reflects them back. He sees thru the illusions of
maya we cling to, he knows we are God.
He reflects Karma, and the compassion is on the inside.. hidden in the
act of getting involved with humanity. The opposite of love is not fear, it
is apathy. Lack of interest. Love is coming down into polarity and playing
the shadow monster, so we can have the chance to learn to love the things
we fear.
He reflects the polarity. He reflects the hidden shadow of ego in every
"good intention", but also shows the light that is hidden in the dark.
Usually with ironic humor so black and gentle it reminds me of Kurt
Vonnegut...
I am not really in control of the process. I appear to be leading but I'm
following one step ahead.. working hand in hand with thier unconscious,
watching the body-mind telegraph it's direction before the ego knows what's
up.
Not everybody needs that kind of path, not everyone is suited to it, but
some folks are a "hard nut to crack", .. the intensity of the reflection is
defined by the stubbornness of the resistance.
As Kimberly's guides pointed out, it is the strong ones that have the
hardest time in surrendering, and they are the ones are able to accomplish
the most, once they are set free.
I prefer, to be gentle with people.. the unsent posts in my outbox are
testament to my resistance to being the Ugly mirror.... but I appreciate
that inspiriation often follows after crisis, enough to be willing to
create crisis in a controlled environment, of consensual safety so as to
reap the fruits.
>> >and we did a Confirmation that I and another lady who attended began
>> >levitating.
>> KEWL!!!!!!
>~~*+M~*
> VERY.
So what does levitating feel like? :)
>~~*+M~*
> Ahh, but I don't equate the Holy Spirit that was sent as the same as
>pre-existing Goddess. But I quit now,enough bandwidth,enough of your time
>and mine and many many wonderful things to consider. I'm still working
>on the big freeze.
:) Well, I'm still rhapsodizing, but at least it's topical..:)
>Humans need to touch each other. 2 hugs a day for good mental
>> health.
>~~*+M~*
> Oh, that explains it.(joking). I am a true hermit living alone.
:) When I read that I reached out to hug you astrally, and came up
against your shielding. I didn't try to poke thru it, it felt like a "do
not disturb" sign, requesting boundaries be respected.
Lovely aura, BTW. Radiant white light and big!
>> It is, and I celebrate your willingness to open to the ideas, and keep
>> beating your head on the "fuzzy wall" till it makes sense.. thankyou for
>> honoring me with your attention.
>~~*+M~*
> I will make sense out out of it some day,,,,,,soon.
Yes, you will. :) Very soon. I see it. Your persistence will bring
insight.. already has brought insight, but there waits yet a gestalt
experience to pull it all together.
>And actually I
>answered your invitation for I read in your post about a certain person
>who left the list who used to be into bdsm and " now is all
>*spiritual*.....la la,,,,Maureen can have him." We just wear different
>costumes,yes?
:) LOL!! And I sent my last post of this thread BCC to him, anyhow.
Bet we could do a great "good cop/bad cop" act. hee hee..
>Hoping you're not groaning too much that I ever joined up here. (joking)
>Sincerely,
>+ Maureen
:) joking.. sincerely.. when you first created the SK list the
rejection hurt my feelings much more than my pride would admit to anyone.
I knew you were seeing a reflection/projection of your own issues, in me,
but that didn't make it hurt any less. I also knew, that the hurt was my
own, a measure of love and compassion... the old wound that remains, to
motivate the work I've taken on, this lifetime.
But I could not help but love you.. as you say, we are more alike, than
not. I don't have words to express, how deeply honored I am that you chose
to come back with questions, and grapple with the "fuzzy wall".
I enjoy your questions.. they make me think, so I discover what I know..
the answers are experiential, so they are hard to put into words, but it is
good for me, to try..:) Best send this off before my attempts get any
longer!!
Blessings!
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