To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/11/14 00:51
Subject: Re: [K-list] Black magic and misuse of Power?
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 1999/11/14 00:51, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 06:14 AM 11/11/99 , CKRESSATnospamaol.com wrote:
>Angelique,
>
>Since you wrote your response to me as a on-list message, I'll do likewise
>for now. I didn't expect you to be too pleased with my spiel, but I didn't
>intend it to hurt you. I wasn't aiming at the messenger, just the message.
>Guess I missed the target...
Oh, it was not just you, and I didn't mean to aim it all at you, so much
as the folks who jumped on that bandwagon. I was not hurt, so much as
tired.. worn thin.
>
>I think you know by now that I have a fond regard for you. As I've told you
>privately, I admire your exceptional intelligence, wit, ability to stand
your
>own ground, broad-mindedness, iconoclastic individuality, and the skill and
>stamina you've demonstrated as facilitator of this list.
Wow, thankyou. I admire those things about you, too,.. and your
gentleness and sensitivity. I was in pain, .. and I don't handle illness
nearly so gracefully as you. It's the stamina that's running thin, some
days...
> Most of all, I have
>appreciated your mental/emotional strength, which has been a gift to me in
>ways I don't think you understand.
No, I probably don't.. I'm not understanding much, right now. My head
feels like it's stuck in a block of syrofoam. This is an improvement over
the weekend's headaches.. but hardly my usual intuitive self.
I'd love for you to explain it..:)
I am glad you appreciate what you precieve as my emotional strength.
Depending on the day, I consider it a pathological brain disorder, or a
sign of spiritual genius, or grey aliens in my DNA... What it really is,
is an ability to detach that is symptomatic of ADD.. or enlightenment,
depending on what it's used for.
In grade 1, I was frustrated that the Teachers did not understand the
importance of daydreaming. Now, I daydream things, and reality changes.
To explain it: most folks in a severe crisis situation, like a car
accident or violence afterwards will describe being in an altered state at
the moment of impact.. as if they were watching it happen from an emotional
distance and feeling nothing, and time may seem to have slowed down so they
record every detail. One way of describing what happens, is that the Higher
Self comes down, and takes the impact for the ego. Another way to describe
it, is that the ego flees the body and perception goes to the "Witness
state". Out of the body.
In ADD people, the fuse breaker switch that handles detachment, is
broken. It doesn't take any kind of crisis to knock me into detachment.
Boredom will do it, or beauty, or too much information like in a shopping
mall, or fascination, or curiosity, or too much psychic input from someone
else in crisis will do it most certainly.
My breaker switch is set on hypersensitive, even too much happiness will
knock me OBE into neutral peace of knowingness. I appear invulnerable,
because I'm not in my body.. I'm operating it by remote control, so to
speak.. Appearing strong and invulnerable is useful, because it discourages
predators. My true vulnerability can be measured as the polarity of my
invulnerable image, multiplied by the psychic sensitivity I demonstrate
with my posts, multiplied again by how my body starts to die, when I'm out
of it for too long.
Mind boggling, eh? See why I don't talk about it...
The blink-outs of catalepsy that look like daydreaming are my
distractable brain flipping in and out of altered states of vast insight
and creatvity, and the nothingness of unconditional love that is my natural
anaestesia.
Many many times every day, for a second or for hours, without me hardly
noticing. The screen saver came on twice while I was writing this post,
which means I blinked out for 15 minutes contemplation and stillness. I can
do it delibertately, that's how I give people advice.. but much more often
it happens without my awareness.
The problem is, that spending too much time out of my body is really
hard on my immune system. My consciousness is protected from the emotional
impact, but the body still gets the stress, and I don't notice it building
up coz I'm not there... and if I come back and it's too much the stress
knocks me back into detachment, where I don't feel it.. until the blockages
get to a higher level where I'm trapped in my body cranky blind and in
pain, and sometimes the alpha wolf comes out in my defense. Raaaaaaar.
An aspect of ADD is a tendency to return hostility, in kind with extra
added. I think it is a defensive side effect of the hypersensitivity. A
harsh word feels like a knife stabbing so we turn "cornered rat" right
away. Barfing the shit back, smelling worse..
If my energy is clear, stuff doesn't stick, the shakti-field eats it..
but if my energy is low I can be anybody's victim, and I don't make a good
victim.. I learned years ago that bad things happen to people I get mad
at.. things like car accidents and illnesses. Ooops. Accidental misuse of
power... not to mention how the scalpel-like verbal talent I use for
healing can become a Texas Chainsaw massacre if I'm out for blood in
defense of my boundaries. I don't want to hurt anybody, so I turn it inward..
I learned to be forgiving, and laugh at myself.. I learned to maintain my
energy so I don't slip into victim... and I surrounded myself with people
who would rather say "yes Mystress", and let me have my own way, than argue
with me and give me shit, so the alpha wolf is happy and fulfilled. It has
territory, and a pack to care for.. it is loved.
> My mind tends to be unsparingly critical
>when confronted with ideas that strike me as harmful, but if I try to curb
>this less-than-lovely part of my nature, I become so concerned with trying
to
>be nice that I lose the thread of what I want to say.
You are wonderful. Outspoken women are a force of nature that was
repressed by patriarchy's training to be "nice".. Praise be to Oya, Goddess
of storms.. :)
There is a wonderful funny inspiring website called "heartless bitches
International" www.heartlessbitches.com that explores the beauty of
women who refuse to eat shit.
But outspoken women like you have trained me not to show my Alpha wolf
fangs on the list... because it upsets the sensitive people like you...
> Since most people seem
>to me too fragile to withstand my go-for-the-jugular style, I usually keep
my
>mouth shut.
You repress your alpha wolf too... if repressing mine makes me ill, I
wonder if that is why you are ill, too.. ?? Mine at least has a place where
it is cherished and needn't be repressed.
So why are we repressing each other..? Good intentions of Patriarchy? Oy.
Sometimes it occurs to me, to wonder if the idea that others are too
fragile for our expressions, is not a limiting belief and a projection we
take on, because we are afraid of the consequences of our own power?
I wrote to someone, recently: her fiance is submissive, and wants her to
be his Bitch Goddess. The idea of being Dom excites her, but she is too
paralysed by fear to even admit it to him, let alone act on it. I told her:
>
> I think you need to be honest with him about the desires you have
buried, to
>give him hope, but also set him straight that the "Good grrrl" barrier of
>feminine training is a wall that will take time, love and courage to break
>down... and lots of generous adoration from him.
> Your girlhood training to be ladylike is a wall in your mind that is going
>to take a lot of self-work to dismantle, so you can get at the proud strong
>bitch that lies waiting underneath. Think of how few women comediennes do
>physical comedy like Robin Williams, and you will get a taste of the barrier.
>Think of how many movies show that bad grrrls get killed?
> It's also beautiful, because it is the romance of him getting your trust,
>that is the quest of love. You need to trust him a lot, to get past the good
>grrl within and it's Patriarchal programming that your safety lies in being
>ladylike. The social consequences of Bitch behavior are centuries deep like
>the smell of burning Witches.
>
So round we come again, to the subject header.. accusations of Black
Magic, and fear of the consequences of wielding our power is perhaps a
cultural way of keeping women silent submissive, self sacrificing slaves.
Amazing, really, that women who speak thier minds are such a powerful
force, that even other women of power are afraid of it, and shush each
other, lest someone decides they were harmed by it, and the burning times
begin anew...
> But you seem to have such amazing resilience I've felt I could
>just let it rip and you'd be okay. Maybe I've overestimated you in this
>sense, or maybe, as you've said, this is just a very difficult time for
you.
yes, and both, and... your overestimation of me, was an implant I
placed in your mind, to conceal my vulnerability. Neat trick, eh? LOL!!
( I'm not sure if I'm kidding, or not. )
Because if people thought I was not bulletproof, they would be scared to
give me thier shit.. and I'd be out of a job.. LOL~
I was not as cranky as I appeared, at least not at you. I was very
tired, from dealing with too much shit.
I guess I'll try to explain myself.. the stuck fish cycle I have been
quietly wrestling with, for the last many months..
The shortcomings of my image of invulnerability became apparent last
winter. My now ex-slave grrl was alpha wolf too, trying to pretend not to
be because of her sexual obsession... failing utterly, the harder she tried.
She thought the detachent was boredom and the invulnerability was real..
this gave her the excuse to try out every form of drama, attention getting
behavior and psychic manipulation she could think of, on me.. trying to
control me, to get me to be like her fantasies, to get a reaction, to get
past my detachment so she could feel powerful, and not understanding that
it was her attempts to provoke me that sent me into grey alien detachment,
in the first place.. and usually without my awareness.
I kept digging deeper into myself for more love and patience, but
eventually it ran out... which was what she was after, to get beyond my
detachment..
When I wasn't detached, I was trying to protect her from my Alpha wolf.
I am not accustomed to thinking of myself as a victim, so it did not occur
to me I had become one, till I started getting visions of throwing her
violently down the stairs. I resisted them, of course... because I love
her.. and crashed badly.
The visions intenstifed for being repressed, and I became genuinely
afraid that the Zen of no-thought instincts I am used to trusting would
lead to a crime of passion.
Instead of throwing her down the stairs I threw in the towel: two Alpha
wolves in one household will kill each other eventually, that is their
nature. I moved her out of my house, out of my life, and shielded myself
from her hoping being unable to feel me would help dismantle her obsession.
Since then, I have been experiementing with expressing vulnerability.
Carefully, poking the illusion to see how deep it goes.. what Magician's
trick did I use? To so skillfully misdirect attention away from my
vulnerability, that no-one thinks it exists? It is mystifying.
It is the obvious polarity to the sensitivity I do show, when I counsel
someone. To me it seems obvious: if I were not sensitive, I could not write
the way I do. But nobody ever thinks of that.. it is a most curious
phenomena.
With my postings to the list, it can be explained logically.. I do most
of my healing from a detached state, so my posts are detached.. But I am
discovering it is surprising news to the people who are in my life and in
my heart and my mind.. I'm kind of fascinated by the apparent invisibility.
I'm no damn good at being vulnerable, I dunno how to express it without
sounding hurt or self pitying.. Or maybe I'm too good at it, and it works
too well.. I dunno. I gave up doing humble and low status charachters as a
comedienne, because they were too easy to be worth my talents. I'd learned
to keep my head down all my life, not that it did any good, with the Shakti
field poking people anyways...
I bombed playing Cleopatra in University, I just couldn't get big enough..
High status female characters, like Dame Edna or Miss Piggy, are much
more challenging.. I need things that are challenging, to focus my
distractable brain into hyperfocus of action, to be here now.
How challenging? Miss Piggy is a puppet, and Dame Edna is a man. If they
were real women, people would throw shit at them... because real women are
supposed to be nice, and not outspoken or opinionated... or deliver karate
chops to people who disrespect them.
Hmm.. that was nicely circular.
I am clumsily expressing vulnerability, and people are reacting with
very great surprise, which is really surprising to me!!! I am beginning to
realize I have somehow used my talent for chanelling and detachment as a
dazzling light to blind folks from seeing the rest of me.. the delicate
being of the Vessel, who is apparently completely hidden behind the curtain
of the Great Oz.. more skillfully and completely than I had ever guessed,
before I started pulling back the curtain.
I am fascinated by my creation, even as I grok it's shape and peel it
away, to find balance.
In some ways, I have not fully recovered from the incidents last winter, I
had two fem slaves manipulate me with thier victim shit, to a near nervous
breakdown, and have been feeling some low level burnout as background noise
since then.
It was opening to healing what remained, that threw me for such a loop
last week. Assimilating projections, and trying to figger out who these
women thought they were dealing with.
What did they see? Both of them lived with me, in my house for a few
weeks and they still couldn't see my sensitivity. Perhaps, because they
didnt want to.. and my "Good intentions" as teacher made me bend over
backwards for them, till I snapped in two, and Alpha Wolf drove them out of
the pack to set me free.
Stuart Wilde said that he would believe he was truly enlightened, when
he no longer felt the need, to teach. It feels resonant.
It is my need to teach, that led me to becoming a victim of my own
invulnerability, and that is the layer of growing that is not spoken of, in
the story of ten oxen pictures... need ten more pictures for that part of
the story, and with different endings..
The story isn't over, what happens next? Do they cling to the need to
teach till the body is martyred to make a point about thier selfless
dedication to being a teacher? Do they go off like Babaji making Golden
places out of nothing, on a whim? Do they get trapped by the projections of
their followers, like Sai Baba? Do they get bored of living, and leave the
body like Yogananda?
I dunno.. but it seems like I have placed an implant in other people's
heads so they think I am invulnerable, and it seems like I was allowed to
do it, because it served.. it made people feel safe to give me thier shit,
so they could heal.
95% of the time it works perfectly, but the other 5% I get trapped in
other people's shit by my need to teach.. Ashes, ashes, it all falls down.
That's when I start thinking about chucking it all, and running off to
Tahiti to be a painter, like Gaugin. But I know I never will, so long as
watching people grow, is the only game in town. So instead I'm picking away
at the 5%.. trying to give up my need, to teach.. dismantling the illusions
of my invulnerability, with this series of posts, even knowing that it may
lessen my effectivness as a shit eater. It's a leap of faith.
Someone told me, that Lao Tse wrote the I Ching on his way out of China,
when he had given up teaching and was going into seclusion. One of his
students, was a border guard who insisted he write down his teachings and
leave them behind in a book, before he would let Lao Tse out of China.
It makes me smile at the irony.. at the same time I am dismantling my
need to teach, and the structures that support that activity, I am in the
process of organizing my teachings into a linear path, for the first time.
Part of that, is the odd activity of teaching in a vaccuum.
Normally, my teachings are organized by the needs of the student. Even
when writing, I automatically tune into the recipeint to get some idea of
how the teachings are being recieved.
The videocamera needs nothing, it just Is. Behind the camera, is a
cameraman who is not my student, and thru the camera are the multitudes of
people who will tune into me in the moment of recording, when they watch
it.. too much input, to shape my responses to.
I didn't like the results of the first shoot, the awkwardness was
transparent to me. I finally solved it by getting druid to be my audience,
and bring the Teacher out in me. Stand-in for all the students who will Be.
In the camera's eye, I see my own reflection, and watching the videos,
I'm getting to know the part of myself that is the Teacher.. so I can give
it love and set it free. Peel off the layer.
I dunno what is underneath it, perhaps I really will run off and be
Gaugin when this is done. I dunno. I don't think so, tho.. I think it will
be more like when I peeled off my need for sex.. sex became even more
blissful, more fun, because it is free of need. Goddess gave it back,
better.. The 5% of weakness will be gone, and I will be ready to run a
Kundalini sanctuary, without fearing burnout.
>I'm sorry if I came across like a rabid pit bull.
You didn't.. that's the other part I'm clumsy at, I guess.. oy. If I
admit I have been hurt, and explain my feelings, people react with such
guilt and/or definsiveness that it embarasses me. I dunno how to explain
it. Feels like misuse of power.
Frustrating, in a way, coz I am expressing my vulnerability because it
seems good to let folks know that I am sensitive to emotional projections,
but when I do I get inundated with more emotional projections of them
worrying about me, and I have to spend more time detached, comforting thier
guilt and explaining, than if I'd just kept my mouth shut and let them
think I'm bulletproof.
Which in a way, I am, thru the magical anaestesia of ADD detachment into
the Void.. sure makes me a handy person to have around, in a crisis
situation, coz I become Goddess in response to need-of-other, and I don't
react emotionally till it is over and I'm clearing the debris of stress
that collected in my body while I was detached.
> The gist of the
>article was that since we create our own reality through our thoughts and
>beliefs -- here's the whammy -- patients should believe their medications
are
>effective and without side effects. If this doctor really believed that
>patients can control their reality this easily, why not tell them to heal
>themselves and save the HMO a load more $$ (and put himself out of a job,
>LOL)?
Hmm.. Don't have much comment on that, except I saw a comedian on TV one
night, who pointed out that drug companies spend a lot of money doing
complex double-blind studies to rule out the placebo effect, of people
getting better with drugs that don't work. He suggested what the world
really needs, is a really good placebo.. The truth makes me laugh.. :)
>I suspect that the self-created reality advocates on list will see this as
an
>isolated incident where the principles are being twisted to serve corporate
>interests. But I feel we'll see a lot more of this in the future.
What's new? People are presently hypnotised by media to believe all
sorts of things. News stations get their information from Public Relations
firms.. who are as intent on creating a certain public image, and
manipulating reactions, as you and I are, when we muzzle the Alpha Wolf
voice of Goddess within.
That gets into a whole other level of Black Magic.. or very very grey
magic, at least.. if you define Black Magic as manipulatively controlling
someone so they will respond in the way you want them to. Who is served, by
keeping silent? Are we projecting our own fear and lack of faith in our
Truth, onto others, in the guise of being polite.. ?
>I know this is opening a new can of worms, but since I've stuck my neck out
>this far, I may as well say that I think fate has as much, and maybe more,
>bearing on our experiences here than our daily choices/thoughts/beliefs. By
>"fate" I mean that either we ourselves, or guardian beings responsible for
>our spiritual development, design the course of our lives before we take
>birth, so that much of what happens to us and even the basic way we deal
with
>what happens has been preordained.
Yes, I agree with you. As it happens, so do most of the lightworkers..
:) We come in for a certain purpose... I've argued with fate for most of my
life, and grown into the woman my dreams showed me I'd become at age 9,
anyways.
On another level, there is no linearity and every probability is
happening, all at once.
>Back to the "Lightworker" label, usually self-applied (but not always; I've
>had well-meaning people call me this too). It disturbs me because it
implies
>that some of us are really doing good with God/Goddess on our side, which
>simultaneously implies that others are not of our high spiritual caliber.
???? I dunno where you would get that idea, from what I wrote....
Goddess doesn't judge, those who want Armagedon might get it, others might
get Eden. It's all relative. All Goddess collecting experiences of being
human. Limitless manifestation means everything must have it's polarity..
Everybody's gotta serve somebody, who do you worship? Some worship the
God of money, or of power.. some the Goddess of sex, or drugs and rock and
roll.. Goddess takes a form, that we can love.. She is All that Is, and She
does not judge us. She Is us.
>You're right Angelique, I'm definitely not a paragon of humility. Humble
>people are so gentle and sweet, I wish I could be like them.
There is safety in humility. The japanese have an expression: The nail
that sticks up, gets hammered down.
I spent way too much of my life trying to discover what bits were
sticking up so much as to get me so much pounding.. it never worked, no
matter how I repressed myself the shakti field was what was sticking up,
and it attracted shit.
I could never control how people reacted to me. Finally, it was easier
to surrender to the inevitability of the pounding, as herd instincts
reacting to a different smelling alien outsider, and attach myself to a
label that gets pounded a lot.. perverts, so I could make use of wanting to
complain about it, to accomplish some thing useful: activism.
> But even with
>my character foibles, my heart protests that we're all spiritual beings, all
>stretching in our own way toward the light.
Well of course we are, but tastes are relative. The light is
everywhere, it is what everything is made of, even Armagedon and mosquitos.
All paths lead to it, eventually.. there is no-place else, to go.. except
in our judgments, that separate us from the light with the illusion that it
exists outside of our humble selves, and requires streaching. That it is
separate from the outspoken Goddess Alpha Wolf.
The question is, do we climb towards the light by stepping on each other,
and end up like the bodies piled into a pyramid towards the air vent, in
the Holcaust ovens? Can we even avoid doing that, or is it an instinctive
survival reaction of human nature? If you put all of the world's greatest
spiritual teachers into a Holcaust oven, would they be found piled into a
pyramid? Would they be able to trancend the herd survival instinct?
>
>By the same token, healers aren't the only ones who have to deal with crap
>here. How about instead of "Lightworkers" or "Shit eaters" we simply call
>ourselves "human beings"?
>
>El
Well, I guess that is maybe the core of it. A lot of folks who call
themselves lightworkers, don't feel like human beings. Feel more like alien
souls in human bodies, trying to get the hang of being human.. so we can do
what we came in for.
How much does Kundalini have to change your DNA, before you are not
human, anymore? The links I sent about Indigo children.. they have 4
different codons in their DNA.. they are not human, by scientific
standards. Evolution happening before our eyes.
How many stories are there in fiction, about mutant versions of the human
race who out-evolve homo sapiens? The Marvel comic books I grew up
reading.. X-men, Mutants with amazing powers who save the world, from the
bad mutants who want to take over and kill the inferior. It's a pretty
powerful idea, in the collective. It's a powerful idea, that seems to be
happening, from your comments in Sharon's article.
The big Fear in the the Collective, that you are expressing with your
attempts to muzzle ideas of superiority, is the Shadow of Hitler's "Master
race" Eugenics.. but it's not like that, this time.. Goddess has it
handled. The new humans, know instinctively that they are born to serve..
they do not judge the humans they are out-evolving, they love them like the
parents they are.
I've been putting myself back together this week, with writing and music
therapy..
At the end of the rock opera "Tommy", when all of the seekers turn
against him, he sings to them:
"See me
Feel me
Touch me
Heal me
See me
Feel me
Touch me
Heal me
Listening to you, I get the music
Gazing at you, I get the heat
Following you, I climb the mountain
I get excitement at your feet.
Right behind you, I see the millions
On you I see the glory
>From you, I get opinions
>From you, I get the story.."
My mantra for this week.. that describes better, how I feel about the
list.. Thou art Goddess.. love bomb coming atcha..:) Blessings.
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