Sorry if this has got through twice; I am not trying
to spam; but trying again since the last message is
one I got in my mailbox as soon as I sent it, and this
one never got back to my mailbox so maybe I wasn't
fully subscribed yet.

--- A new list member> wrote:
> Date: Sun, 8 Aug 1999 15:56:43 -0700 (PDT)
> From: >
> Subject: introduction
> To: kundaliniATnospamList-Server.net
>
> Hello. I am new to this sort
> of
> thing altogether.
>
> I have sent an individual email to someone about
> this,
> but then read many more of the web pages and
> "awakening" experiences and decided to subscribe to
> the mailing list.
>
> > Background information. I am 18 years old, and
> female. I have a developmental disorder known as
> "atypical autism" and it affects my neurology. They
> have suspected complex-partial (temporal lobe)
> seizures but they never show up on an EEG (other
> scans
> say that my temporal lobe is overactive but not
> seizuring).
>
> I have never heard of Kundalini until recently. I
> had
> heard it mentioned in passing, and was talking to my
> psychiatrist on Friday and he said there was a
> condition called "Kundalini psychosis" which could
> resemble many of the things I am going through,
> although he does not believe me to be psychotic
> (merely autistic, which I basically agree with).
>
> I looked it up on the web, and was amazed and
> frightened by the things I read. I have no formal
> religious or meditational background, but a lot of
> this stuff seems to have gone on for as long as I
> can
> remember. Lately it is getting more intense to the
> point I can hardly stand it sometimes.
>
> I feel unprepared for this and very confused. I
> don't
> know what's going on, really, and I am prepared to
> be
> changed a lot but do not want an organised religion
> to
> be the basis of this. Personal change is one thing,
> but I do not want it heavily influenced by a group.
>
> My development feels uneven and all over the place.
> I
> have had sensory overload and sensory distortions
> since I was born, and have some correction for that
> (Irlen lenses, auditory integration training, and
> skin
> brushing). I still have a lot of problems figuring
> out my senses, particularly when I go into an
> overload
> state. Sometimes it feels like I am being
> overloaded,
> though, by something not my physical senses.
>
> I have had, at best, sporadic boundaries. I do not
> feel connected to words I use or things I do... I
> feel
> like often I just get information and can't process
> it.
>
> I have always had some sensation on my skin, mainly
> either heat or burning or scraping sensations. More
> recently, I get more than that.
>
> I have a lot of difficulty putting my thoughts into
> words. I look like my words are okay but I do not
> feel so because I do not feel connected to my words.
>
> Also I do not feel connected to my actions, except
> at
> rare times when I am basically paralysed and I have
> had to work to learn to talk and move at those
> times.
> Other times, I mostly have "depersonalisation"
> meaning
> I feel detached from my actions and body and words.
>
> I am trying to write this out but I'm getting the
> order jumbled. I won't be able to write everything
> I
> want to.
>
> I have recently gotten off of psychiatric
> medications
> that I have been on in one form or another since I
> was
> 14 (I am 18 now). I was given them because of my
> depression and anxiety and desire to "simply go
> crazy
> and get it over with". The "problem" was, my sanity
> is rock solid. I was never crazy. My psychiatrist
> agrees with this assessment and had me go off of
> medications slowly in accordance with plan.
>
> I have been told for years I'm going through
> something
> important and spiritual, but I've never believed it.
>
> I'm pretty analytical, but I don't think that is
> incompatible with what is happening.
>
> Went away to college age 14, already had resolved to
> "go crazy and get it over with" because what was
> happening was too intense. Had a lot of problems
> there -- physically abusive "boyfriend", which I now
> get flashbacks from. I was falling into something I
> couldn't handle. Tried marijuana a few times which
> with my neurological setup was a mistake. Tried
> LSD,
> and it integrated my senses (which I have now found,
> through questioning, to be similar to an LSD state
> in
> some ways, without it) so that they were more like
> "normal" senses, but also did some stuff to the
> "non-physical" ones. So far nobody I know has
> reacted
> this way to LSD -- most people get the opposite.
>
> Anyway... eventually wound up in hospitals, trying
> to
> make myself schizophrenic. Didn't work. Some of
> the
> medications they gave me impaired my judgement and
> thought process so that I *looked* schizophrenic...
> anti-seizure medications had paradoxical effects
> often... I don't know -- medication doesn't seem to
> interact with my body in the right way.
>
> Had been suspected of complex-partial (temporal
> lobe)
> and absence seizures around age 12 or 13.
>
> Think whatever "they" are I've had "them" all my
> life.
>
> Now I'm off of medications, except for kava kava
> which
> I take to keep things from getting so out of hand
> that
> I'd actually lose it. In the last year (before I
> ever
> started lowering medications) I had an experience
> which seems impervious to medication (which I am
> glad
> for) which I call "There" with a capital "T" and ...
> I
> can't describe it.
>
> I will give brief things but they won't touch it.
> Pulsating things moving through me, through my whole
> body.. then connection to everything. I sometimes
> try
> to communicate but it comes out mostly
> unintelligible.
> Like I can "see" everything.. I can't describe it
> right. Like everything that ever existed and will
> exist and exists anywhere is going in and out of me
> at
> the same time at an infinite speed. There are also
> times where there is nothing but everything. I know
> I
> am sounding paradoxical but this is what it feels
> like. At the same time there is not exactly a me, I
> feel more real than I would at any other time.
>
> This sort of thing has happened a few times before
> in
> my life, but never with this intensity and
> frequency.
> When it happens when I am alone, it is like a flash
> and I don't know what happened. When there is
> someone
> else around, it slows down and I can remember it
> better...
>
> Lot more than that. Will never be able to say it
> all.
>
> But lately.. other stuff going on too. Since
> February, a lot of burning skin like in childhood.
> Tingling or brushing sensations on my whole body, or
> on parts of my body. Starting to feel emotions in
> my
> body, and found and was surprised that they
> correspond
> to chakras (as I said I have not studied this
> extensively) except the throat one which never does
> anything (I don't know if there is any significance
> to
> that but would guess there might be). Also thought
> until a few months ago that feeling "from the heart"
> was some kind of silly metaphor, but now I notice I
> have feeling there too.
>
> These things are getting more intense. Now I have
> constant sensations on my skin, always changing,
> like
> when I was younger. Sensations of a piercing thin
> sharp long thing going down straight through the top
> of my head through spine. Remembering weird and
> intense things from early childhood that make no
> logical sense, including hearing odd electric
> buzzing
> noises and seeing something I call the Dragonfly.
> Being flung back and forth from There and a deep
> intense state of something I can't handle, and
> feeling
> like I am either going to be torn apart or burned
> away
> in the process. Hearing clicking and buzzing
> sounds,
> sudden shifts of consciousness accompanying them.
> Migraines and other times when I see flashing
> lights.
> Getting the feeling that something is moving inside
> of
> me. Pain and things other than pain and burning and
> all kinds of things, sometimes feeling like they're
> ricocheting back and forth in me, or going out of me
> or coming into me, sometimes in/from all directions
> and sometimes in/from one direction. Strange
> sensations in my lower back that have made me wonder
> if I have a vitamin deficiency (I am allergic to
> many
> things and vegan so it is hard to get all the
> nutrition I need). Panic attacks and general
> anxiety.
> And the "white place", where everything is a
> maddening flickering terrible blank pale white,
> reminiscent of dreams when I was a baby and young
> child.
>
> The doctors do not find anything exactly wrong with
> me, although it seems that I have an odd
> neurological
> setup they can't pinpoint. They have wondered about
> temporal lobe epilepsy for years but have not found
> anything other than overactivity. I used to want to
> "lose my mind and get it over with" but now I am
> really afraid it might happen and I don't want it
> to.
>
>
> Life has become very chaotic. I am transferring to
> university in the fall and am going to study
> mathematics. An online friend who is also autistic
> and went through similar things at my age said that
> I
> need to study something that will give me the mental
> discipline to get through this, because otherwise I
> could wind up in a lot of trouble. (By the way,
> this
> is not "standard" for autism at all, but we have
> discussed the possibility of spirituality being one
> of
> many "splinter skills" that could develop).
>
> I have been told repeatedly for years, that what I
> am
> going through is important and intense and something
> that I can't do alone. I always thought I could do
> it
> alone (I am not very social by nature) but now I'm
> beginning to think I'll lose my sanity (which so far
> has remained somehow intact) if I don't do
> something.
>
> I have learned intellectually not to fight this. I
> tried once to eat to avoid being There (I had to
> study) and I wound up ricocheting back and forth
> between There and some horrible state and I couldn't
> keep up and thought I was burning alive and told
> someone I was talking to to remember me if I died
> because I wasn't sure I would make it through that
> night. I have had several other experiences where I
> tried to interfere and wound up in a similarly nasty
> state.
>
> Oh.. I read about the "heat" thing and I almost
> never
> get cold but I get overheated very easily.. I used
> to
> walk around barefoot in the snow and not get
> frostbitten or anything.. don't know if that is
> related.. always thought it had to do with poor
> nerve
> connectedness, but other people say my skin feels
> warm
> too, either that or icy cold.
>
> One person has been instrumental in "grounding" me
> during some of these things, including There which
> is
> pleasant but could easily get out of hand. She says
> that my body postures and vocalisations match some
> of
> the videos she saw in her religion classes, studying
> primal religions and viewing tribal rituals of some
> kind involving trance induction.
>
> The thing is, I do not do this on purpose. It just
> happens. Sometimes I admit I wish for There, but it
> never happens unless it's going to happen.
>
> My life is getting more and more like being flung
> around between various states of consciousness. I
> feel electric sensations all the time now. I am
> afraid my body and/or mind will not be able to take
> it
> if it continues to get more intense.
>
> I am told by many people that I should *not* try
> formal meditation to get me through this. I do
> however need to do something about this... don't
> know...
>
> I am not trying to be melodramatic. I have very
> little language for this stuff... I haven't studied
> it, didn't ask for it, don't know what is going on,
> and am terrified of it. At the same time, I welcome
> it, if that makes sense. I do not know what my
> parents would think of this sort of thing. They
> know
> almost all events in my life, and I live with them,
> and I have told them about There and some of this
> other stuff, but I am afraid if they grasped the
> true
> intensity of this they would be very afraid. I am
> very afraid.
>
> I don't know what to do. I am writing here. Please
> reply. I am scared, and yet looking forward to what
> is going on. I can't explain any of this. Emotions
> this strong.. experiences this strong.. I don't know
> what to do and I am scared.. I know I've said that..
> I
> still mean it. Thank you for reading.
>
> > Please reply...
>
>
_____________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com