To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/21 03:30
Subject: [K-list] Re: Shamanism and ego-death..part 2.(Long)
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 1999/05/21 03:30, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 11:53 AM 5/18/99 , Kimberly McDaniel wrote:
>Mystress...there's no need to apologize. I know you are very busy and that
>right now you're going through alot. I wasn't sure what but Thunder had
>hinted to it when I wrote you last. I understand...I've been there.
Good! If you understand it, mebbie you can explain it to me..:)
>I now understand what happened...<..> It has been around for centuries
>(I found the old owner in a journey the other night) and every owner puts
>his/her experience, knowledge, wisdom, and power into the robe's energetic
>matrix...it is like a supercomputer and an amplifier for the energy you use
>at the same time.
It is an archetype. Every persons experience of it, goes into the
collective consciousness, and adds to it's power. That information is
accessible to the wearer. Armand has taught me things I didn't wanna know,
about brainwashing and torture techniques thru history.. I was reading
about cult brainwashing and ritual abuse to know where not to go, and his
commentary persuaded me past any doubt of the reality of the horror stories
I was reading about... to give me insights into the processes of ego-death
and rebirth, from Maya to the druids, to Egypt..
> Unfortunately, it draws a lot of negative energy to power
>itself, which is draining on the person wearing it if they are not prepared
>to handle it (hence me developing a bit more before I don it full-time).
>But when I put it on, I have a choice...to pull the hood and become the
>skeleton that so many in the astral know and respect and fear, or to leave
>the hood down, go out as myself, and confuse the hell out of people who
>can't understand why a "normal" human is wearing his cloak. The latter
>keeps people from messing with you as in a "she wears his cloak so...." and
>the former from a "There he is, oh shit" perspective.
Well, ya know, I have been wondering over the last few days exactly how
much my childhood prayers affected my life history. I became the Portal
Guardian as a preschool child.. I have had people reacting to me oddly my
whole life, hostility and rejection, ostracism that as an adult I finally
recognised as the product of fears... finally I surrendered to it and
became a professional scary person... so folks would have something they
could name, to pin their fear onto.
My K. blessed me with a name and a trip to Mexico to hook up with
Chacmool.. Armand started manifesting shortly after that.. so I suppose I
"Accepted the robe" when I accepted a name that had many meanings..
allowing Armand to show up as human. But I became the portal guardian in
dreams, as a child.. so, I was stuck in it everytime I detached, all my
life? oy.
One aspect of ADD is a negative reactionary effect, that will readily
escalate any argument that appears to be an offense of fear.. the
reflective effect.. Goddess mercy in response to my prayers was anesthesia
and non-awareness.. and realizing that cloak has been popping on and off me
when I detach, without my awareness for most of my life is enough to make
me shake my head at what I created with this early act of Free Will, and
sympathy for all the folks I came up against.. what a pig in a poke that
prayer was.. LOL!!
Be careful what you pray for, OY! Holy shit, batman...
But it also kinda blisses me out in giggles.. hee hee hee if I go to the
dentist, I am grateful for the anaesthetic.. thankyou, Goddess.. and I
didn't hardly notice the anaestetic to try to change it, till it wasn't
needed anymore ho ho ho.. perfection Is..
From a psychoanalytic perspective tho, if my psychic surgery is as
successful as I think, then the Time travel Technique I mentioned, which is
trademarked as "Time line Therapy" <see the Synchronicites post> can be
used to repair ADD.. that is pretty remarkable.
>Ever seen the cartoon with the sheepdog and the wolf? How they walk to and
>from work together, clock in, hate each other, then clock out and are best
>friends again? Something like that?
Uh, well, yeah, something like that, except I never bust out laughing
crying and having orgasms from the cartoon.. there was a degree of
intensity that is a large difference.. and a pornographic fantasy element
that was decidedly absent from the cartoon.. but when I got upset and
sought Armand and a guy showed up as a completely different personality..
and appearance, when I denied that he was Armand.. I freaked .. how ever
that didn't last as my re-unified Divine Beloved was looking captivatingly
adorable, sitting patiently on the couch waiting for me to stop typing..
with an incredibly charming, warm, human personality that makes the
polarities I had before, look like cartoons, by comparison.. easy to fall
in love, with..:)
>I understand...it's a battle with me right now, having all my fears opened
>up and examined, but I have a supportive husband and that strange sense of
>humor I can't shake.
It's a wonderful blessing, isn't it? :D Laughter is the nature of
Spirit, and recognition of Truth.. a big Buddha belly laugh a day keeps the
Karma away. I recently had a client who looked like he hadn't had a belly
laugh in years, and I asked him, and it was true! So I bound him firmly
and tickled him, with regular breaks to catch his breath, till he loosened
up. I never did quite get the laugh I sought, out of him, but he looked a
lot younger, when he left.
> Like I said...need to vent...send it here...
:) I am.
>I'll take
>it away if need be...even if it's an e-mail marked do not open...
Hmmmm.. nice to hear that offer instead of being the one to extend it..
:) Thankyou. :)
>hell...send
>it to yourself...get it out...hug her and kiss her...she's a beautiful child
>with such a potential to help others. Make sure she knows she's loved.
My inner child has been very funny.. I tuned in on her at one point,
(couldn't do that, before..) and she attacked me. I remembered someone else
who had that astral experience of her, and my own advice to him, to lie
flat like for a bear, and she'll get bored of it eventually and become
curious.. so I took my own advice.
I saw some red 7 day votive candles on sale in the grocery store, with
stickers of Jesus and Mary on them. I planned to peel the labels and
rededicate them, but when I got them home I realized they were nite-lights
for my inner child, who is a little catholic grrrl.. so I laughed and told
her, "Mother Goddess, Crown of thorns/horns stag King sacrifice, her son
conceived of his Father who is his Spirit. all One to me.." she said a
"hail Mary" over it, remembering a child's fascination with the votive
candles in church.. behind them, a sculpture of Mary trampling the snake..
she always felt sorry for the snake..
I've been reading Richard Bach's "Running from Safety", as a touchstone.
It is the story of his rediscovering his inner child, who he'd locked away
and lost the memories of, when his older brother died when he was 9 years
old.
I also hauled out the only doll I ever loved..:) A sock doll with a
painted face and only one row of hair. My older sister made it for me when
I was wee.. it has a child's stitches in mismatched thread here and there
from where I had to repair it a few times when I was too little to thread a
needle myself.
I came across it in a box a few years ago, and touching it I realized my
child's attention had "woken" the doll.. it was a guardian spirit, so I
hung it on the wall of my bedroom. Now I'm indulging my inner child by
sleeping with it.. finally got some sleep!! Makes me laugh, tho.. Big Bad
Mystress Serpent is sleeping with her sock dolly.
I have to laugh, coz I really dunno if I still have a career.. Armand is
gone, or rather merged with Michael, and he seems a pretty peaceful kinda
fella. He tells me not to underestimate him.. Well, I have my first Pro
BDSM session in weeks, tomorrow night, so I guess I'll find out ... I still
know how to do what I do, but the impulse to do it seems lost in the mist.
Where did my aggression go? Uh-oh. Might be time to try out that Ghost
busters idea..
>You are moving to the next level...a major one from the sounds of it...the
>world changes with each new level, you are crawling now, give yourself the
>time and you'll be walking again.
Yes, I know.. but thanks for the reminder.. Actually, in spite of my
bitching I'm delighted with it.. wheee new adventures.. :) Kind of
interesting discovering stuff that I thought was already cleared, but was
only hidden. I dunno.. I learned self hypnosis so young, mebbie there is a
part of my inner child that enjoys brain sculpting myself, as a fun game.
> Now the filter's gone, and I am dealing with a new world that is of a
>>vibrating rippling intensity that makes getting a deep breath, difficult...
>>even while sitting still in a quiet place.. sleep is elusive..
>
>Reading this makes me shiver, not out of fear but out of remembering the
>times that I have had like that.
It has mostly calmed down, and I've remembered not to worry about not
knowing whom I am, coz that is normal for years already. I'm putting the
energy into normal activities, too much thinking is not good.
Really, tho, I have been getting used to regular amplifications ever
since I became a Shaman.. first it was realizing that the men who
fantasized about my advertising pix were unconsciously dedicating their
sexual energy to me,.. then things like the Grounding site, and the healing
work, I do.. plus the Shaktipat-mainlines that go to my slave-students..
what you put out comes back multiplied.. and now the filter is gone, so
these days I am making people dizzy by accident.. my beloved rover has
known me for years, but he looked into my eyes while kneeling at my feet
last week and promptly fell over sideways onto the carpet, .. he nearly
fainted. I was just looking at him..
I really understand why people of power tend to go live in remote areas,
or in Ashram communities where they don't have to deal with regular folks...
I want to set up a Kundalini retreat center here in B.C. among the Big
Trees. Reclaim a clear cut and make an intentional community on it. Art,
music, K-fire and sensuality.. Or mebbie an abandoned plantation in Fiji,
or somewhere.. somewhere with a tolerant and stable government.. someplace
for folks in K-crisis to go to live for a few years, if need be.. I dreamt
of this place when I was 9 years old, and sense that it's close.. but I
dunno where in the world it will be, yet.. Goddess' surprise parties.
> Right now I'm trying to get used to the
>mass amounts of energy that robe is drawing and making me learn to
>handle...I feel as if my head will explode soon...I keep giving it to the
>Mound but in minutes I have more. I feel completely overloaded and unable
>to sleep or to truly think. But I'll get used to it. Hopefully soon
>because my mind is starting to slip.
May I offer a suggestion? Several years ago, after observing the
"Shaktipat online" effect of the list postings and threads, Goddess moved
me to create an energy-structure I call the K-list lighthouse. Part of it's
function was to draw off and make use of the excess Shaktizaps that kept
overloading the execpc.com server.. as they used to do, quite frequently..
by sending them thru a separate path. I got agreement on a higher self
level from those willing.. all who will be involved with the list past
present or future.. provisions were made to protect those who opted out. It
shines thru spacetime to enhance the synchronicity drawing those who need
this place. I gave it up to Goddess, She finalized the design and handles
the details.. it has a built in transformer to keep it clear. Occasionally
when I have been counselling someone on the list, I have been moved to
stick them in the lighthouse.. Find it, connect a thread to it to draw off
the excess.. it will be reshaped as needed and given to those in need.
I was doing the opposite recently.. shelled against outside influences...
allowing the overload to do as it willed and let it thrash.
earlier.. >Mystress wrote:
>> Hard to explain.. when the ego goes thru the doorway of death,
>><..>becomes Goddess.. not separate.
>
>I know what you mean and that's about all I can say. It still feels strange
>to hear the word death or speak of dying without the customary tinge of
>fear ..
I know what you mean.. folks expect me to react in certain ways to
things, and it's "null program".. all I can do is shrug and say "I'm a dead
woman.."
>> The structure of ego, which is necessary to live in linearity is reborn
>>as Archetypal Divinity from the collective, and this personal-conception
>>maintains identity and acts as the self-protective instinct of the body.
>
>So the ego fears returning to the collective because it will no longer be
>ego? Sounds odd now, but true.
Fears, yet desires, in it's loneliness of separation.. The greatest
romance.
Almost all of our greatest art is about love stories.. and what makes a
love story great, is the obstacles faced by the lovers, in their search for
unity. When I was preparing for ego-death, and going thru all kinds of
weird grief last August, my unconscious gave me a song in my head to
hypnotize/seduce me over the doorway.. a song that has haunted me since I
was a teenager, about a suicidal girl who is courted by death.. "Don't fear
the Reaper".. "Romeo and Juliet, are together in Eternity.. "
It felt really odd, for me who has never been suicidal, allowing myself
to be seduced by Death, and become his bride. Unity with the Light Under
the ground.. Within that Ritual, was my Heart-sacrifice to Chacmool, in the
way of the Mayan Royalty.. since then my heart beats with the pulse of the
universe, I can feel it as a rippling wave of healing bliss.. and it pulls
the hearts of those receptive into sync with it. I have come to call it
"The Grail". Like the Divine Beloved making love to every cell of my body,
and the universe too.. yummy.
>It's not me who is impatient...it's those I've surrendered to that are
>hurrying me a bit. :-)
Well, there is a lot of stuff coming up and you need to be ready.. :)
But they don't get the experience of being physical, so it's easy for them
to talk..LOL!!
>He's a bit intimidating at times...but fun...just don't screw up when he's
>trying to teach you and you'll make it. I still say that perfection is a
>flaw.
yeh, Goddess is a Dominatrix.. a gentle one who is respectful of free
will, but Armand could sure have a sharp tongue, sometimes.. yowie.
>I am aware that they are paintball games...but I don't know if I am ever
>destined to see things as perfect. As Thunder tells me, perfection is
>something that must be maintained, lest trophies gather dust as humans
>gather ego. The world must be rained upon...everything requires
>maintainance. :)
that is very beautiful.. :)
"Chop wood carry water.." always things to do, nurturing creation as
Goddess Wills... :) Life thru the eyes of a Deva.
> But yes, would like to continue the conversation
>when you feel better.
I feel better!
>
>Blessings, Kimberly
>
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