To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/05/11 01:55
Subject: [K-list] Shamanism and ego-death.. was: Input desperately neede
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 1999/05/11 01:55, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 08:27 PM 5/9/99 , Kimberly McDaniel wrote:
>Oh yes...(BTW, I'm back on the list after having been gone for a few
>months.
I remember you.. Welcome.
>I was born awakened, taught a few things by an uncle who was a Native
>American medicine man (cherokee background). I remember my guides as my
>"imaginary friends" in first grade...they were the only people who would
>speak to me...LOL. I went to a Southern Baptist school and was called the
>devil incarnate many times to my face and was beaten and spanked and yelled
>at for being left handed
I recognise that story.. it's hard for those born awakened into a
culture that does not understand. We are "different", I suspect we smell
different, roses and sandalwood, not like one of the herd.. and herd
instincts reject us.
(I'm, now ambidextrous but am falling back into
>left-handedness at spirits urgings.). At the age of seven, he gave me a
>carved staff with a black eagle and an as-yet unidentified mammal on it as a
>Christmas present.
What does the mammal look like? Got a pic?
>Anyway, around age twelve I started hearing a voice, beautiful and deep and
>perfectly calm, telling me of others' sickness and that they were going to
>die, but it was always too late to help them.
The still, small voice within..
> I woke up screaming hysterically...I
>had seen the wreck that killed him..was on the side of the road and saw it
>in every last detail. I snapped, blamed myself for it. I wasn't allowed to
>go his funeral because I was such a basketcase.
My sympathies. It is a not uncommon reaction among novice psychics..
you were given the vision to have time to prepare, emotionally.. not to
change fate. As with the sick ones, when you were younger.. it was already
too late to change fate.
> I continued on this way through high school, having "migraines"
>continuously although the only thing "wrong" with me was that my brain
>needed more glucose than anyone else they'd ever seen.
Sugar is the only food your brain can use.. and the brain of a Shaman or
Kundalite needs a lot of sugar, sometimes!!
>Then I came to college...at a place I choose just because the place was
>pretty and it was a quiet town. I didn't realize that "they" were behind it
>until I got there.
The illusions of Free Will.. we are always led.. get used to it and
relax.
> clearing some serius blocks for myself, remembering sexual
>abuse, re-living my uncle's death over and over again. I almost killed
>myself on several occasions. I finally gave up and asked my guides to help
>me, realizing I couldn't handle it on my own.
Goddess have mercy on the "Marlboro women".. who dare not sacrifice the
emotional safety of an independence that is illusory.. I was one, too..
I remember a visualization I was led thru, in a New Agey self-help
course.. we were instructed to move down a forest path towards a light that
represented the goal.. and as we traveled, symbols of our blockages,
animals would come out of the forest to slow our path.. I was running for
the light, with a big heavy bear clinging to my back. I could not feel his
claws thru my big sheepskin coat.. I wiggled out of the coat and left it
and the bear behind me, and ran faster.. I recognised the coat afterwards..
it belonged to the independent tough lonely "Marlboro man", from the
cigarette ads.
You don't have to handle it on your own. You never did, you just had a
hard time trusting. If Goddess wanted you to do it alone, She'd not have
split herself into an illusion of infinite bits that can hug each other.
The whole point of the illusions of need, is to call to compassion. If you
don't express need, how can we be compassionate? Love is available for the
asking. We are here.. stay and enjoy the company of "like minds". Family.
Kundalites. :)
> I was puzzled because it didn't exist
>anymore. One morning I was taken to the shed and had to use it, but didn't
>know what for...after pulling energy through it, my uncle came across the
>barrier and became a guide.
Or, to put it another way.. the veil within you was opened so you could
perceive him. He never went anywhere, you just could not see.
> I finally went back to my hometown and started
>feeling a whole group of guides in my head...some belonging to me, and some
>belonging to my husband...they formed a circle and told me to go into the
>center. I was frightened...I didn't want to go in as I didn't trust them.
>I finally made up my mind to enter the circle, and they wouldn't let me
>in...then one told me that fear could not enter the circle. I dropped the
>fear and entered the circle. My spirit went black...it was dead...
I have written a few times about the "Portal Guardian of the
Dreamtime".. which for me manifested as terrifying dreams of a Black shadow
figure I called the "Killer Nun".. paintings of the portal guardian appear
on cave paintings worldwide. A book called "Spiritwalker" by Hank Wesselman
helped me to understand the meaning. The Portal Guardian is the protector
who keeps those who are unready, away from the doorway of the unconscious
into the collective: Death, the Dreamtime. We must go thru that doorway to
be reunited in the Light..
It is a being of unconditional love, and as such is truly dazzling light,
but in order to manifest in duality, it must take on some polarity, and so
it appears as a shadow figure of blackest shadow. Unconditional love does
not judge, and as it has no polarity of it's own, it mirrors back the
emotions it is offered.. multiplied by it's power.. thus the awful
nightmares of my earliest childhood.
When you approach the portal Guardian with unconditional love, you
become the portal Guardian, and then it is you who is the mirror. After I
learned to do that, came the even more terrifying part that made me pray
for the dreams to end, till they did.
Now I am time travelling in spirit, back to then and comforting my inner
child's nightmares so she will consent to allowing the information in,
again..:) Realizing, that the imaginary "Faerie Queen" wise witch woman, I
imagined sometimes when I needed comfort and wisdom, was me moving back
thru time to be present in spirit for my child self.. and farther back,
the Monster Nun is me also.. oroborus, the Serpent swallows her tail and
disappears. poof!
Your journey is classic Shamanic ego-death.. dying and being buried,
spending time underground as the ego decays, then coming back to accept a
Diety-ego to be protector and act in place of the old ego, which now being
reunited with the light, is Spirit having a Human experience, and the
Higher Self manifesting in the body. The Higher Self has no fear of death
or harm, and a tendency not to say no.. like Christ before Pilate.. and so
you have the Jaguar within you, an archetypal totem ego-form who will
protect you from the thought-form projections of others.
Hard to explain.. when the ego goes thru the doorway of death, and clears
the remaining shreds of karma via the "Warrior's journey" thru the
underworld, Hades or Chapel Perilous or Purgatory, or Erishkriegel's
Domain... whatever the form.. to be unified with the light, it becomes
Goddess.. not separate.
Goddess doesn't judge, and Goddess takes any form we can love. So, there
is a tendency to become and do whatever is wanted by other because the
boundaries of "self" have been destroyed.
The structure of ego, which is necessary to live in linearity is reborn
as Archetypal Divinity from the collective, and this personal-conception
maintains identity and acts as the self-protective instinct of the body.
The Avatar who became the Hebrew Messiah acted according to the Will of
Other, that he fulfill prophecy and be killed. The Avatar who became the
German messiah they called Hitler, acted according to the "racial
cleansing" desires of the creators of his myth. Goddess doesn't judge..
Having assisted 8 ego-deaths since my own in Sept., I have spent quite
some time pondering how Hitler was made, and coming to terms with the
impressionability of the dead awaiting a birth of new ego.. oy oy oy.. how
to create a Hitler, and how not to.. I am careful to let Goddess choose the
Avatar archetype identity that suits their life purpose best.
I offer them adoration as newborn Divinities, and send them inside
themselves to discover who they are, I ask them, by what term we might
refer to the vessel of the Infinite? Let Goddess provide.
> Over the next few weeks
>I went through many tests out there to earn his energy.
Ego-death and rebirth is not necessarily the completion.. Jaguar still
needed to clear some of the blockages represented by remaining ego-bits of
free will.. thus, your ability to surrender is challenged in order to get
your consent.
The body has to catch up with the changes in Spirit and consciousness..
We get a whole new body every 7 years, down to the last molecule.. and
every molecule is a speck of consciousness.. be patient with yourself..
>Shortly after the experience with the jag, my friend death came out from
>behind me. He is a huge black eagle named Thunder <...>
>the NA spirit that brings rain to those who need it and worship him, brings
>omens of ill luck or death, and also brings luck to warriors who fight lost
>causes. He is also referenced as the Thunderbird.
I have a Chinese bamboo calendar with a Tiger on the earth and a dragon
in the clouds.. two Kundalini symbols, Earth and sky.. so it is for you.
Jaguar and Eagle.. I have seen the Thunderbird in the Sky, shaped in clouds
with the sun for an eye.. here in the pacific Northwest. The Haida carve
fabulous masks and totems.. Chacmool too, is God of rain and death..
different manifestations of the same Archetypal forces.
> I have
>surrendered to my calling, and no longer have migraines or guilt.
You have found your place of belonging, your Tribe. Blessed be!
> I
>describe my work as that of a justifier-shaman...I put right what was
>wronged, doing my part to maintain balance in the world.
One day your eyes will be opened to the perfection of what is, and then
your Warrior work of battles will seem more like a game of paint ball..
playing peek-a-boo with Goddess.. however, in the Now, you have found
happiness and fulfillment, surrender, in rewarding work and that is
perfection. :)
> My path is not one
>of the light, but I walk the shadow line between light and dark as a
>tightrope. Occasionally I fall off either side but I have friends who
>remind me of where the ladder is so that I may get back up on the rope.
The middle path of the Tao.. :) it gets easier with time..
You have friends here.. welcome back.
>Kimberly McDaniel
>
>PS--Thanks for the encouragement, Mystress.
:) Anytime.
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