To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/12/21 17:59
Subject: [K-list] Re. K List Re. suffering as illusion
From: Marion Hanvey

Dear Jenell,

I read your letters about being peoples' "whipping-boy" when you were young,
and I think the only way to come out of that, without going through a long
time of just waiting for the pain to fade with time,
or without using techniques to accelerate the healing process, is to see
their actions as not connected to you. If they're nasty, their nastiness is
their problem not yours. If they are manipulative, selfish, whatever, that
is their problem not yours.
People could only abuse you like that if you were a gentle, sensitive
and loving person. A less sensitive person couldn't be manipulated, because
basically they just wouldn't care so much.
All their actions were their actions and theirs alone, and their problems,
not connected to you. And that's true. Nobody is responsible for anybody
else's actions. And anybody who abuses a young person anyway, who is
already vulnerable just because they're young, cut them off. Ignore them.
I realise it's more difficult when talking about close relatives (like
mothers, believe me I know about mothers!) because of the ties of loyalty
and love. But really,
if the respect from them for you isn't there, they're not worth it.
The answer is to put a little distance between you and the other person
mentally, and know that you didn't deserve any of it. Disentangle yourself
from their actions and their emotions.
You probably know all this anyway.
Loulou

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