To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/12/20 04:29
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re: Suffering as illusion?
From: Smilingjaguar

> I personally have experienced the delayed eruption of some stored
> unfinished-emotional-business when K dislodged a long forgotten horrible
> childhood incident. The raw horror and grief was so painful that I was on
> the verge of going suicidal again rather than surrendering to the full impact
> of that ravaging release. Had it not been for my husband's loving support
> and willingness to stand by me through this, I don't think I would have
> gotten through it intact. The greater the magnitude of the stored
> unexpressed emotions, the more harrowing it is to re-live the incident and
> unleash the overwhelming feelings associated with it. I wouldn't recommend
> that anyone go through this alone.

I also went through the same thing. I was sexually abused by my step-father as a child and then the loss of an uncle who was very close to me, one who knew way back then what was going on spiritually without needing to be told, but always seemed to know what and how to do to straighten me out a little. I never dealt with either of these...my mother had been sexually abused as a child and it had her on the verge of suicide for the majority of her life, so I packed it away to save my mother. I *saw* the the wreck that killed my uncle, and then when they put him on life support I had to listen to the discussions of how to kill his body...whether they should starve him or let him suffocate over the course of several days. I shut this out too...my mother couldn't handle me being such a basketcase and was frightened that my description of the vehicles and the setting of the wreck was correct. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because of what they said was my instability at !
!
!
the time. A few years ago it all started to blow up, and I fought it all the way. Suicide was a pleasant thought, a source of comfort, but I was lucky also to have someone who cared and understood what was going on by my side. Not too long ago I went out and held an informal funeral for him just for the part of me still grieving over being denied that. To me suffering is a sign that something needs to be closely examined...just like what it is supposed to be in the physical body...a sign that something isn't quite right. Seems neither real nor illusion...but when push comes to shove, no one can say for certain whether *anything* is real or illusion.

Kimberly

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